All Characters Copyright GAINAX All Situations Happen (Albeit Not Many 3rd Impacts Occur Naturally) Spoilers May Occur Authored By Godsend777@Mindspring.com (Send Comments) Sex May Occur As Well I'll Stop Capitalizing Every Word Now. ----------------------------------Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred?--------------------------------- Part 4 - Finale Or "Third Impact Follies" Terminal Dogma Hangar - Ten Minutes Before Third Impact "D-damn..." Gendo muttered to himself while struggling to get up. "They really handed me a beating." He stood up wearily, right hand clutching his left arm where Misato had shot him, while his left hand rubbed his crotch where Ritsuko had kicked him. "M-must use backup plan. CHIBI-REI, COME FORTH!!" He screamed for effect. Suddenly, a 6-inch tall naked version of Rei popped out of the ground. Unlike normal Chibi characters, this Rei was as thin as the real thing. "Hai, Gendo-sama! I am here to do your bidding!" It chirped out cheerily. This version of Rei obviously did not have the emotional block of the others. "Chibi-Rei, take me to--" "Oh, no! Gendo-sama! What happened!?" Chibi-Rei asked worriedly. She glomped onto his nose and began to stroke it. "A-ah, w-well, um.." Gendo began, as he suddenly turned into his son. "I'll kiss it and make it all better." Having said that, Chibi-Rei began licking Gendo's nose, and doing other things to it as well. After a while, a bit of substance flowed down to Gendo's upper lip. It wasn't snot. Gendo smiled happily, then regained his composure. "Chibi-Rei, take me -" "Oh, I will." " - into Lillith." "Oh. Okay, let's go." She sat on his head (the one on his shoulders, pervo), and Gendo slowly walked towards Lillith. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Misato's Party "Shouldn't we have destroyed Lillith?" Kaji asked Ritsuko. "Nah. What could happen?" she replied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Post Third Impact, In What Looks Like Plug-Space Asuka was expecting a bit of pain she lost her virginity. She was expecting at least a little bit of pleasure. She was expecting Shinji to be done in about five minutes. She wasn't expecting her now visibly damp in the wrong areas plugsuit mysteriously appearing, Shinji in his very visibly uncomfortable school uniform, and everone else in NERV standard issue uniform sitting around them. "What the hell's going on?!" she screamed. "I am." Gendo replied, appearing before them on a throne, surrounded by Yui, Kaworu, and The now Not-So-Chibi-Rei. "Father!" Shinji screamed. "Do you have to fuck up EVERYTHING in my life! I was about to get laid! By the redhead! I mean, who doesn't want her?!" No one noticed Kensuke and Touji raising their hands. "By the redhead, huh?" Asuka began angrily. "ImeanI'vealwayslovedyou." He got out as fast he could. "You can talk later." Misato said, drawing her gun. "Actually, you can't. There is no later. You are dead." Gendo stated in that cold voice that makes Darth Vader cringe. "WHAT!?!" was the collective response. "Well, before this goes any further, I'm leaving." Not-so-Chibi-Rei said. "I've served my purpose." With that, she exited into the alternate universe hole made last part. "Seeya, Gendo-sama!" "Ahem! Excusing that interruption, I'll start. The Third Impact has occurred." Yui began. "Mother!" Shinji yelled out happily. "Shinji!" She replied, running to him for a cheerful reunion. "Dammit, Yui! Can't it wait!" Gendo said. Yui just stuck out her tongue with a big "beedah!" accompanying it. "Never mind, sir, I'll continue." Kaworu said as he stepped forth. "The Third Impact has occurred, killing off all of mankind in the process. The only people who can currently exist in this dead state are the ones whose lives revolve around the Human Complement Project." He blinked, then looked over at the group of people gathering around Shinji and Yui. Shinji was currently introducing Asuka to his mother. "Are any of you listening to me!?!" "Piss off, angel-boy!" Asuka yelled. "I'm trying to score some points with Shinji's mom!" Kaworu just raised his fist in anger. "Aren't you dead?" Rei asked. "If you had been listening to what I just said, Your tiny Lillim mind would have--" "Is she my mom, too?" Rei asked Shinji. "Can't anybody listen to me?" Kaworu began to cry. But of course, no one paid attention. "Listen to us, or I'll turn this into a Darkfic and/or Lemon." Gendo declared. Everybody froze. Everybody thought about the consequences. Everybody cried. "I don't wanna go insane and slit my wrists!" Shinji cried. "I don't wanna get pumped by every guy imaginable!" Cried Asuka. "We don't wanna become Yuitsuko." Yui and Ritsuko cried while holding each other. "We hate each other!" "Then listen!" Gendo began. "The Third Impact has occurred. You are all here because your life is too involved in it. I am now in control. However, in order to be in complete control, I need to destroy your souls!" With that, Gendo held out the hand Adam was implanted into, and did an enegry blast at them all. However, this is Evangelion, not Dragon Ball Z, so nothing happened. "Damn!" Gendo cursed. "I guess we'll just have to settle this with a few fighting matches." "Ha! We'll win easily!" Misato cheered. "We've got a whole shitload of people here!" "Kaworu?" Gendo asked. "Hai." Kaworu then stepped forth, and put his fingers together in prayer. He chanted a few unheard words, then screamed "O-WA-NICHI-WAN!" (from the old Bad Dudes arcade game) and suddenly split into nine Kaworus. "Now choose nine players for your team." Gendo commanded. Shinji turned around and asked for volunteers. Soon, the setup was as follows: Shinji vs. Fake Kaworu Asuka vs. Fake Kaworu Rei vs. Fake Kaworu Touji vs. Fake Kaworu Kensuke vs. Fake Kaworu Aoba vs. Fake Kaworu Hyuuga vs. Fake Kaworu Misato vs. Fake Kaworu Yui vs. Original Kaworu Hikari, Maya, and Ritsuko stood on their side dressed in cheerleader's clothes. Kaji and Fuyuutsuki just sat down and had a beer. "The rules of the game are simple: If you knock out or kill your opponent, you win. You can use anything you need to win. There are no rules. There is no time limit. Are you ready?" Shinji gulped. "Yeah." Everyone nodded in agrrement. "Then fight!" Gendo announced. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Match 1: Shinji vs. Kaworu! Fight!' "What the hell was that?" Shinji wondered aloud. "Who cares! Prepare yourself, wuss!" Gendo screamed. "But I can't kill someone that cute!" Fake Kaworu said. "Fuck! He's got my personality!" Original Kaworu spat as he slapped his head with his hands. This set Shinji's gears in motion. Kaworu liked him. Really liked him. Was sexually attracted to him. Might even get a nosebleed if he saw him naked. Heh heh. A plan formed. "Now I just can't run away." He thought to himself. "Hey Kaworu-sweetie!" Shinji called out. "What!?!" Asuka enflared. "Yes, Shinji-hon?" Kaworu replied lustily. Shinji shivered. "Gaze!" Shinji screamed, pulling down his pants and thereby flashing Kaworu. The cheerleading section was impressed. So was Kaworu, as his nose bled profusely. He then passed out from the loss of blood. 'Shinji wins!' "Yahoo! I did something right! Wahoo!" "Shinjiiiiii!" Asuka bellowed. "Uh-oh..." 'Asuka wins!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Match 2: Asuka vs. Kaworu! Fight!' "You saw my Shinji's mighty oak! DIE!!" "Ohhhh man..." 'Asuka wins!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Match 3: Rei vs. Kaworu! Fight!' "I hold no enmity against those who side with evil! I protect..." Rei began. "ATField Crush!" Kaworu screamed. "WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T CUT A BREAK AT ALL!" Rei cried as she slammed against a wall, and fell unconscious. 'Kaworu wins!' BLAM! 'Misato wins!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Match 4: Touji vs. Kaworu! Fight!' "Oh, no! Touji's still blind!" Hikari pointed out. "Quick, Hikari! Follow my lead!" Misato ordered. "Right!" Misato then put her hands on her NERV blouse and ripped open her shirt. Hikari followed suit. "Ultimate Breast Healing!" They called out. Breasts spilled out of their shirts, (Misato's more than Hikari's) as light covered Touji's eyes, and he was healed. And horny. But seeing as he couldn't do anything about that at the moment, he prepared to take it all out on Kaworu. "You'd think an ATField would give me a chance!" Kaworu cried as Touji bodyslammed him repeatedly. 'Touji wins!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Match 5: Kensuke vs. Kaworu! Fight!' "ATField Crush!" "AAAAHHHHHHH!!" Kensuke screamed as he was purged from existence entirely. 'Kaworu wins!' "Hey, Misato, why don't you shoot him?" Shinji asked. "Good riddance to that nuisance!" She replied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Aoba and Hyuuga suffered the same fate as Kensuke. No one noticed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Match 8: Misato vs. Kaworu! Fight!" "Here, Misato, have a beer!" Kaworu said as he tossed a can to her. "YEBISU!" Misato chirped happily. WHAM! 'Kaworu wins!' "What an idiot..." Kaji stated. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Match 9: Yui vs. Original Kaworu! Fight!' "You can do it Mom!" Shinji cheered. "You've got to Mrs. Ikari! It's tied!" Asuka yelled "Yui! Yui! Go go go!" The cheerleaders cheered. "Don't worry! I'll be fine!" Yui assured them. "Pray tell." Kaworu mocked. "Well... I was Eva-01, right?" "Yeah..." "So you know what I can do, right?" she smiled menacingly as she held up a some chopsticks and a soup bowl. "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" One sick dinner later... 'Yui wins!' "Ewwww... Mom..." "Belch! Sorry, dear." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "NO!" Gendo screamed. "It in't possible! I should have won!" "Oh quit your whining!" Everyone screamed. "RRRGH! DIE!" Gendo stood on his throne, preparing to wipe out the last traces of existence. "STOP." A voice commanded. "THEY HAVE WON FAIR AND SQUARE. YOU WILL RELINQUISH CONTROL TO SHINJI." "Annogelion..." Shinji said. "No...the creator of all...I...I must obey. Very well. Shinji, you have won. But be warned, one day you will hear my voice, and you will know what I say to be true. Goodbye, Shinji...My son..." "Good riddance!" was the collective response. "But I was being sincere!" "Too little, too late. Sayonara!" Shinji cheerfully said as he waved goodbye to Otoosan. "AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!" were Gendo's last words. "Now what?" Yui said, wiping a bit of Kaworu from her mouth. "NOW YOU GO HOME." There was a flash of light... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rei woke up surrounded by various shojo manga. Her mind was swimming, and she found herself at complete peace and ease with herself and her emotions. She felt...human. Misato and Kaji woke up with a hangover. But they didn't care. They had each other. They felt happy. Hikari and Touji woke up in each other's arms. They were in one piece, and very happy. They felt comfortable. Ritsuko and Maya woke up together on Misato's couch. Their hands were in places that shouldn't be in a public place. They felt pretty shameless. Yui and Fuyuutsuki woke up on Misato's kitchen table. They were pretty happy to see each other after ten years. And began making out. They felt pretty damn happy. Kensuke, Aoba, and Hyuuga never woke up. They were dead. Asuka woke up to find herself curled up in Shinji's bed. Next to her was of course Shinji. She turned to him. He turned to her. She whispered in his ear the three words he wanted to hear. He did the same. And as they kissed, the scene changed to a rooftop. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rooftop - Tokyo-3 "Well, Part 4 sucked." Annogelion, now as the human Kubo, said. "Yeah, well, That's just the TV series ending." The writer replied. "No..." Annogelion said as his hope diminished. "Yup." "Shit." "Heh heh heh..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evangelion Ending #2 - Death, Rebirth, More Death, A Little Air, And Asuka's Everchanging Breast Size. Plug Space - The Final Frontier "No!" Gendo screamed. "It isn't possible! I should have won!" "Oh quit your whining!" Everyone screamed. "RRRGH! DIE!" Gendo stood up from his throne, preparing to wipe out the last traces of existence. "Father, stop that!" Shinji cried out. "Never!" Gendo waved his hand, and life began to fade away. Shinji and Asuka clasped each other as their bodies began to fade. Misato took one last swig of a beer, and Kaji grabbed one last feel from her. Rei looked pretty darn cute. Everyone prepared for the end. "Annogelion, help us!" Yui cried. Little did she know, Annogelion was in a coma because the writer didn't end this atrocity. "No one can help you now!" Gendo screamed as he laughed maniacally at the top of his lungs. And with that, human existence ended, leaving Gendo alone in the plug space. "Now I will create a new existence. One where everyone loves me, and I can get laid any time. MWAHAHAHA!" He turned around to go about his work, when he felt something odd. "Nah." he reassured himself. "Couldn't be." But it was. The Dimensional rift that allowed several other people over to help beat the hell out of him was still open. Oh, the clues were there. His idiot son's spontaneous love for that redheaded bitch. Not-so-Chibi-Rei's departure. Misato and Hikari's 'Utimate Breast Healing.' Rei's odd Sailor Moon/Devil Hunter mentality. Yes, he knew this feeling. The feeling of a 'Sailor Moon' ending. "Oh, dear God, NO!" The room flashed white. They reappeared. ALL of them, minor characters included. "You have lost the right to ask for God's graces!" Sailor Yui posed. "Your abuse of others will no longer be tolerated!" Tuxedo Fuyuutsuki chimed in. "We will no longer be your toys!" White Knight Shinji joined him. "On behalf of Yebisu --" Queen Misato began. "YOU'RE PUNISHED!!" Devil Hunter Asuka battle-cried. Everyone lifted their hands, and focused their energy into their palms. They forced it through their bodies until it came to full-force. It proceeded to smack Gendo like a red-headed German girl. (Something not unlike an N2 mine exploding.) He didn't stand a chance. "I SHOULD NEVER HAVE WATCHED THAT STUPID SHOW!!" were his dying words. As he winked out of existence, plug-space turned back to Misato's apartment. "Wow..." Shinji said as he stood there, amazed. "Yeah, that was really something." Asuka responded. A slight bit of air breezed through the open balcony door. "Well, now we're safe. We can start all over, and never have to worry about this ever repeating itself." Misato said seriously. "Now, as we-- Hey! Where are you going, Kaji?" "To kill Lillith! God that was a pain in the ass!" "Alright! Let's do it! Let's kill Lillith, then live happily ever after!" Ritsuko cheered. "YEAH!" And so they went, to kill yet another angel. But hey, that's Eva for you. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rooftop - Again "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?!" Annogelion/Kubo shouted at the writer. "The movie ending, what else?" "But it sucked, too! It didn't make any sense at all!" "Neither did Evangelion's end." "You got it, didn't you?" "Well, yeah, but that's cause I'm insane." "What about Asuka's everchanging breast size?" "Had to keep them interested somehow." "Why you, I'll kill you for this atrocity!" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait till Evangelion: Strangely Darkfic!" THE END - for real ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry for wasting your life. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I thought it was a fun ride. Weird, but fun. --Godsend777