Standard spoiler warnings Get author's permission before posting Mail comments to: Godsend777@mindspring.com Evangelion - Is Nothing Sacred? Part 2 -------------------------------Chapter 2: Something's Not Right... ------------------------------ NERV HQ "Where's Ritsuko?" Misato asked. "I don't know, let me page her." said Hyuuga Suddenly, the I/C blurted out "Oh God! Oh Yes! Maya! Shove the entry plug in harder! Harder!" "Hai, Sempai!" The I/C snapped off. "They appear to be in the comm room." Hyuuga said, eyes wide, nose bleeding a little. "Uh...I'll fetch them in a second." said Misato, sweatdropping greatly. The I/C then spat out "Purr for me Maya! Yes! Yes! My adorable love kitten!" "Hai, Sempai!" "Make that a few hours. I...uh...need to go fetch Kaji." Misato was looking eerily horny. She promptly left, leaving Hyuuga to his nosebleed. Hyuuga then left to visit the hentai section of his vault, suddenly needing relaxation himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Touji and Asuka were sitting outside NERV HQ with Kensuke and Hikari. "I hope Shinji and Rei are alright..." said Hikari. "There, there, I'm sure they're fine." Touji said, trying to console her. Asuka sat there with a worried look on her face, while simultaneously trying to suppress her emotions. "So, how did the Angel die?" Kensuke asked quite enthusiastically. "Shinji...er...Eva-01...uh...humped the Angel to death..." said Touji, a little embarrassed. "Wow!" Kensuke exclaimed. "And I thought Shinji and Asuka had rough sexXAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" He was unfortuneatly interrupted by Asuka's hand grabbing him by the arm. "WILL-YOU-SHUT-UP!" She seethed out. In one fluid maneuver, she spun him around her a threw him into the air a la Ranma 1/2. "Asuka, What's wrong?" Hikari asked ever-so innocently. "It's her perioULGK.!" Touji had tried to say, but Asuka's hand wrapped around his throat prevented speech. And breathing. That's important. "Asuka! Stop it! I need him! It's his turn to clean the boards this week!" whined Hikari. "S-sorry." Asuka said, relaxing the dreaded grip of death. "It's just that..." "I understand." said Hikari ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "That wasn't funny." stated Gendo. "I think the writer started to pay too much attention to the X-Files season premiere." replied Fuyuutsuki. "I see..." said Gendo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hyuuga's Manga Vault "Why'd we flash back here?" asked Aoba. "Must be foreshadowing something." said Hyuuga. Aoba shrugged, then went back to reading 'Bishojou Senshi Sailor Moon - Special Bondage Edition.'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Plug-Space" "Finally, clothes." said Shinji. He was now sitting across from Rei on 'Shinji's subconscious Light-Rail.' Or his "Train of Thought," so to speak. "So where are we now?" he asked. "I don't know, this IS your Eva." Rei stated. "Oh...um...Ah! That's right! It's the train I was on before I came to Tokyo-3. Except there were more people on it at first. "Do you mean like this?" At the end of Rei's question, the train car began to fill to its capacity with people. People came in and sat around Shinji, squishing him. An overweight man stood in front of Shinji, giving him a full view of the ugliest moon he had ever seen. The man scratched himself, farted into Shinji's face, and then left along with the other passengers. "Uhh...no." Shinji weakly replied, gasping for air. "What about this?" As if on cue, three punks walked down the aisle, nodded at Rei, and then beat the hell out of Shinji. They took his wallet, and then left. "N-not quite.." Shinji said while crawling back up to his seat. "Well, then, how about THIS!" Rei shot up, ripped off her clothes, and pounced upon Shinji. "W-why! Why are you doing this, Rei?" Shinji whined out. "Because," Rei began, "I want to try to feel emotion, but can't. Now stop whining, take off your clothes, AND DON'T RUN AWAY!" She screamed. "O-okay." Shinji agreed. Soon, the "Plug-Space" was rockin' with the joy of love. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ritsuko and Maya walked out of the comm room, feeling relaxed. They were making a last minute clean-up, when generic service technician #3 came running up to them. "Dr. Akagi!" he yelled "There's something wrong with Eva-01!" "What!? What is it!?" Ritsuko exclaimed. "The entry plug..." He began. "Mmmmmm....entry plug..." drooled Maya. "Is swaying back and forth on that thing that holds it in the air! You know! The thingie!" "What!?" Ritsuko exclaimed again. "And this spontaneously materialized on Eva-01's forehead!" He held out a long, thin plastic strip. "It's...it's a ...." Maya started. "A bumper sticker!" Ritsuko exclaimed, hopefully for the last time. "It says: If This Entry Plug's A Rockin', Don't Come A'Knockin'." She thought for a moment, then got a worried look on her face. "Oh no...they can't....THEY'RE ONLY FOURTEEN!" she yelled. She ran down the hall, leaving Maya and ST#3 behind. "Give me a visual of the inside of the entry plug, STAT!" Ritsuko yelled as she barged into the Eva control lab. No one was there. "Oh, fine, I'll do it myself." she huffed out. She pushed a button to get the live feed into the entry plug, and saw something she hadn't seen in ten years...'Hello Kitty' reruns. "Wai! My favorite show!" she squealed out like a little girl on crack. Picking up a conveniently placed bowl of popcorn, she became enwrapped in Sanrio heaven. "Whoa! Hello Kitty!" exclaimed Misato as her and Kaji walked in. "What's wrong with Unit-01's entry plug?" Kaji asked. "Wow! Hello Kitty!" Asuka and Hikari said in unison. Soon all of NERV came to watch Hello Kitty reruns on the viewing monitor. Five minutes later, Gendo walked in, adjusted his glasses, checked his breath, and then screamed "WILL EVERYONE GET BACK TO WORK!" Everyone did. "What's the status of Shinji and Rei?" Fuyuutsuki asked. "I don't know. All I can get are 'Hello Kitty' reruns." responded Maya. "It ain't so bad..." murmured Ritsuko. "What was that?" Gendo said colder than usual. "Uh...my theory is that they both are currently in a liquid state, merged with the Eva, like the accident ten years ago..." A deep cloud of foreboding swept from behind Ritsuko, engulfing the room in an icy mist. It was dispelled only by one person. "What happened ten years ago?" Gendo asked. "Your wife died, you moron." "Oh, yeah." The deep cloud of foreboding was pushed away by an air of stupidity. Everyone stared at Gendo. "Well, how do we get them out?" spoke up Misato. "We could tempt them with their most earthly desires." Ritsuko replied. "Will that work?" Aoba asked, playing his bit part to the fullest. "Worked in another fanfic." shrugged Hyuuga. "'The End is the Beginning is the End', I think." He said, giving credit where it's quite due. (Damn good piece of work, too.) "Are you trying to get us trouble?" Kaji responded. "Nah, the writer just needs an excuse to set up the next of these lame gags." said Misato. "Works for me." "Anyways...Asuka!" "Y-yes, Misato?" "Go back to the apartment and get Penpen's thong bikini. Then meet me back here in a half-hour." "WHAAT!? You're not serious!? Why do I--" "Just do it! That's an order!" "Yes, Ma'am." Asuka replied weakly. She slowly walked out the door. "Now what should we use to lure out Shinji and Rei?" Misato said thoughtfully. Uh...wasn't that thing with Asuka for Shinji?" Kaji asked. "Huh? Oh...uh...yeah!" Misato said, blushing. "Sooooo, what about Rei?" Maya queried. "I will take care of it." Gendo stated as he walked out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seventh Cage Asuka now stood before Eva-01, wearing Penpen's thong bikini, and a borrowed pair of Aoba's stilletto heels. "Perverts all..." she muttered to herself. Suddenly, Gendo walked through the door wearing a black bowtie, a black speedo, his glasses, and not much else, save for a rose clutched between his teeth. Asuka puked. So did ST's 1, 2, and 4. 3 savored the moment. "I'm ready." He stated. He and Asuka turned to Eva-01's entry plug and began calling out Rei's and Shinji's names. The entry plug stopped, as if hearing its loved ones. In reality, Rei had finally found emotion in 55 consecutive orgasms, and Shinji had found a spine in two soft breasts and a body that never quit. The entry plug hissed open, and out stepped Rei, pushing the button on her plug suit in order to seal it up. She was whistling quite happy to herself. "He's all yours." she said to Asuka. She pointed at the obliviously happy pile of mass that was Shinji. "Nice package, Gendo." she teased as she walked by him. "Wait!" Misato cried. "Something's not right with Rei! Put her back in there with Shinji and feed Eva-01 some leftover Angel!" The ST's did as they were told, against Rei's protests. Shinji, still in ecstasy, didn't do anything. The entry plug closed around Rei and Shinji, while the ST's pulled out some "Zereul on a Stick" and tried to force-feed Eva-01. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The plane goes into the hangar." cooed ST #1. "Don't wanna." pouted Eva-01. The world became a blur as Shinji and Rei became one with the Eva. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try #1 "I told you I'm fine!" shouted Rei. "Put'er back in!" retorted Misato. Try #7 Shinji finally woke up, only to feel top heavy. He slowly looked down and discovered that it wasn't his voice that was the only girlish part of him now. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Rei herself was no better. The shock of being in such a wussy body rendered her unemotional again. "Throw'em back in!" commanded Misato. Try#16 "On behalf of the Moon, you're punished!" screamed Sailor Rei, as she banished the evil Queen Ritsuko from the face of the Earth. "Oh, Sailor Rei! You saved me from being the innocent boytoy of that scantily clad evil witch. I...I...love you, Sailor Rei." "Oh, Tuxedo Shinji...I love you too." And with those words, Tuxedo Shinji and Sailor Rei embraced in a deep passionate kiss, while 'Fly Me To The Moon' played in the background. "Get them back in there, NOW!" screamed Asuka. Try #22 It's not easy being a teenaged Eva pilot named Shinji Ikari. But it's even worse when your dickhead father, Gendo, kills your mom at an early age and makes you pilot a giant robot a decade later. He doesn't know what the hell he made it from, yet he insists on you fighting Angels, alongside other pilots. Then you and one of these pilots have a little ACCIDENT... From now on, a splash of cold LCL will turn Shinji into cute but unemotional Rei Ayanami. Warm LCL reverses the effect, but only until next time. What's a half pilot, half-clone of your mom and an Angel to do? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Try #42 Shinji climbed out of the entry plug in his body, with all of his appendages, and his mental mindset (with bonus spine). Rei was once again emotionless, which Shinji thought was a shame. (So did Rei, but without emotions, you don't tend to realize this stuff) She silently walked home after changing. Asuka reamed Shinji a new one for having to stand on the umbilical bridge in Penpen's thong bikini for three days. Shinji didn't seem to notice, as this was a small price to pay for getting to see a sight such as that. Gendo thankfully put some clothes on, and Eva-01 had indigestion something foul. Everything slowly returned to normal. And if you believe that, you believe in Santa Clause. Merry Christmas. to be continued...