Standard spoiler warnings apply Do not post without author permission Mail comments to: Godsend777@mindspring.com Evangelion - Is Nothing Sacred? -----------------------Chapter 1: Shinji's a whiner --------------------------------------------- It was a typical morning in Tokyo-3, school was starting, Misato was drunk, and angst was running loose upon the streets. The source of all this angst was, of course, young Eva pilot Shinji Ikari. "Why? Why does father hate me?" He, Asuka, and Rei were walking to school. Upon hearing this, Asuka promptly backhanded him. "Do ya gotta start whining so early in the morning?!" Asuka screamed at him. "Whatever Mrs. I-Hate-My-Period-So-I'm-Gonna-Torture-Those-Around-Me!" He instantly retaliated, without thinking. A decision he'd come to regret soon. "WHAT!! YOU STUPID PERVERT!! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!!" The sounds of breaking bones and ripping flesh could be heard. Shinji would have screamed, had Asuka's foot not been constantly kicking his face. Rei just sighed and kept walking. A little later... "Oh, great, now we're late, you idiot!" Asuka said to Shinji while they were running to school. Actually, Shinji was limping really fast. "Shuttup." He responded quickly, in an even girlier voice than usual. There were several dusty shoeprints on his groin. They bolted into class and quickly took their seats. Their teacher hadn't even noticed, as he was staring out the window giving another "lecture." Shinji sat down in his seat and let out a yelp. Asuka really had kicked his ass. (Groan..) Right after he had gotten comfortable, his computer happily blurted out "You've got mail!" Shinji looked down to see the message was from Kensuke. It read: "You and Asuka have gotta lay off the rough sex." He could hear Kensuke and Touji snickering behind him. He promptly threw a book at Kensuke, silencing him immediately. Heh heh. Touji, and then the Redhead. Nice to know all that Eva training is finally useful. As he turned to cast another book at Touji, he noticed the freckled menace known as "Hikari." "Just what do you think you're doing Mr. Ikari!? This classroom is NOT a bar!" "Eep!" was Shinji's only defense. "Get'em Hikari." whispered Asuka. "I guess you -- blah blah blah...." It was Hikari's dreaded "Screaming At You Until Your Ears Bleed" attack. Shinji was only saved by the sound of a cellular phone ringing. All at once, all four pilots ran out of the room and to Central Dogma. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nerv HQ: "So what's the new angel look like?" Misato slurred out. "Here's the visual now." Responded Hyuuga On the screen was what looked like a cross between the 3rd angel and the 4th angel, except the tentacles were coming out of his... Well, let's just say that he would be better off in another infamous anime. "That's...Impressive." said Ritsuko. "Yeah, I wonder if he's free tonight." said Misato Everyone just looked at her. "What? A girl's got to get out sometimes. Penpen only has so many uses." Everyone's head hit their respective consoles simultaneously. "Well.." Muttered Gendo, pushing his glasses back up onto his nose. "Are the pilots here yet?" "Uh...yeah, they're preparing now." Said Maya. "Should I switch to camera feed of the dressing rooms?" "N-NO! I-I mean we need analysis on this angel. Just keep it on screen a little longer." Said Misato. Hyuuga, Aoba, Gendo, and Fuyuutsuki muttered "dammit" under their breath, deprived of their chance to see Rei in the buff. Ritsuko and Maya sighed, while Misato drooled at the sight of the new angel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Eva Changing Room: "Ow. Ow. Ow. Hey, Touji, can you give me a hand here." Shinji asked him. Touji paused for a second. "I'll throw myself in front of an angel for you, I'll help you cheat on your tests, I'll even get in front of Hikari next time she's yelling at you, but I AM NOT HELPING YOU GET INTO YOUR PLUGSUIT!" Touji screamed at him. "OK, OK, geez.." Shinji said, unplugging his ears. "So what did you do to deserve a beating like that?" Touji asked. "It's Asuka's period." Shinji leaned over and whispered into Touji's ear. "I HEARD THAT YOU PERVERT!!" Asuka screamed. The screen seperating the boy's and girl's sides gashed open as a padlock ripped through it and hit Shinji square in the forehead. He fell back on to the floor. Touji finished up quickly while Asuka tried to get another lock and ran out the door. Shinji finished dressing up on the floor and followed him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Above Tokyo-3: "Where the hell are those stupid @$#*% robot-thingies?" thought the 13th angel. "That guy wanted me to make that movie, and I have to be there in a half-hour. What was it again? Nancy does NERV or something." It scratched the area where its chin should have been with one of its "tendrils." Just about everyone watching threw up. Except Misato. She applauded its flexibility. "Oh, hell, I'll come back later." Just as it turned around Evas 00-03 sprung up behind it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nerv HQ: "Okay guys, there it is." Misato said into the intercomm. The four pilots appeared on the screen in front of her. "What's the plan?" asked Shinji. "Close in and t-. Shinji, why is "LOCKRITE" tatooed on your forehead?" Misato asked. Shinji smacked his forehead. "Ow! Dammit! Forgot it hurts!" "Never mind the pervert." said Asuka. "What's the plan?" "Just beat it till it's dead." Misato said, waving her hand at them. "Oh, but save one of those tendrils for me..er Nerv, I mean. Heh. Heh. Research an' all that." said Misato, blushing. "Tendrils?" said Touji. It was then one of said "tendrils" wrapped around Unit-03. "Oh, gross!" Toji proceeded to puke in his entry plug. "Don't worry!" yelled Asuka. "Lorena Bobbitt was my great-aunt!" she screamed as Unit-02 charged the Angel. The Angel sweatdropped. Shinji and Touji sweatdropped. Every guy in Nerv Sweatdropped. Meanwhile, in Heaven... "Aren't you glad you got killed by the purple one?" asked Sachiel, the 3rd Angel. Shamshel, the 4th Angel, nodded nervously. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One quick fight later: "That was certainly interesting." said Fuyuutsuki. "Yes." replied Gendo. "But Fuyuutsuki?" "Yes?" "Get me the family history on Eva pilots 02 and 03. And make a pot of coffee. I'm not going to sleep tonight." "Neither am I." They both shivered nervously. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji and Touji had dressed quickly and left Nerv facility before they could run into Asuka. Shinji was walking Touji home, trying to convince him to let him stay the night, when thay ran into Hikari, carrying a grocery bag. "Oh, Touji!" she cried out happily. "H-hi Hikari." he returned. "Can I make you dinner?" she asked him. She politely ignored Shinji. "D-dinner sounds nice." He replied uneasily. "Sorry, Shinji. But you see how it is, don't you?" "Yeah.." Shinji said. "So you'll let me make you dinner? Great! I just bought a new knife set and can't wait to try it out!" Shinji stared at her dumbfounded while Touji screamed and ran for his house. Hikari looked in the direction he had run, waving the dust he had kicked up away from her face. Shinji crept slowly away. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rei looked around her. No one else was near, so now was the perfect oppurtunity to act. She found her man, currently leaning against a wall. "Can you help me?" She asked. "Anything fer a sweetheart like you." the man said. Rei just nodded. "Now what would you like?" he asked. "I'll take that one." Rei pointed at a cute little brown bear. "That'll be 580 yen." Rei paid the price then left. "Perhaps this will help me find emotion." she thought to herself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Next Day: Shinji got out of bed and stretched. He hadn't been able to get to sleep last night, and when he finally did he had nightmares where Asuka was chasing him with a butcher knife. He got dressed and walked out into the hall by Misato's room. He peeked his head in to see how she was doing. Last he saw her, she was crying and saying something about a waste of an angel. She was sleeping soundly, and that made him happy. He slid the door shut and smelled the air. "Ahhhh....eggs and sausage. This is going to be a good day." Asuka was apparently cooking breakfast. The thoughts of nightmares slipped away, and he smiled and walked into the kitchen. There he froze, and his jaw dropped. Asuka was cutting some sausage with butcher knife. She kept bringing the knife down on the long, meaty object. Shinji felt sick. "Ah, Guten Morgen Shinji!" Asuka said cheerfully. "I see your forehead is better. Do you want breakfast?" She asked and smiled, slightly evilly. "NothankyouIneedtogettoschoolandstudyandrunandhide." Shinji finished, breathed deeply, and bolted out the door. "Japanese are so weird." muttered Asuka, and returned to her cooking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji finally stopped running when he arrived in class. He saw Toji sitting in his desk, looking how he felt. "What's wrong with you?" asked Shinji. "I had nightmares all night." sighed Touji. "About Asuka and butcher knives, right?" Shinji said. "Yeah, except Hikari was with her in mine." He shivered. "At least no one's here for a bit, so we're safe." "No, Kensuke's at the bathroom, he'll be back soon." "That's fine. I want to ask him about all those red slips piling on his desk." Shinji looked around to see Kensuke's desk. "Them? They're Eva pilot rejection slips." "But that pile's four feet high!" exclaimed Shinji. "Yeah, he mails 400 requests per day." "400?" Shinji sweatdropped a little. "Yeah, those are yesterday's requests. Today's rejections should be in some time around lunch." "But the Evas bring so much pain..." thought Shinji. "Oh quit your whining!" said Toji. Shinji just stared at him, confused. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Somewhere near that big hangar where Lilith is: Aoba and Hyuuga walked into a dark room. "So what did you want to show me before we went on shift. I need to sit down. I had nightmares about EVA-02 waving that damn progressive near my..." said Aoba. "Never mind. So what is it?" "This!" yelled Hyuuga, and turned on a light switch. "B-but th-this is!" Stuttered Aoba, surprised. "Yes," began Hyuuga, pushing his glasses up his nose in a very Gendo-like manner. "The motivation behind all of Nerv's ambitions." He waved his hand out in front of him. "MY MANGA COLLECTION!!" He screamed out, and laughed villainously. "Hot damn!" said Aoba. "Yes, and this is only one of four rooms that have been hidden in this complex. This room contains shonen manga. That room to your left has all my shojo manga, and beyond that room is my... heh... hentai collection." He smiled cooly, his head looking down in that suave manner you can only do in anime. "How about the fourth room?" asked Aoba. "Uh...that's...my...um..." he stammered out. "C'mon, what is it?" Aoba asked again. "My American comic collection." He said meekly. "Ewww..." replied Aoba, obviously disgusted. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The rest of the day went on as normal. School let out and the pilots went to their synch tests. Every male staff member avoided Asuka, but she didn't notice. Also, Shinji and Touji's thoughts of nightmares had slowly faded away, and they could stand to be around Asuka as long as she was silent. Which she never was. Rei was quiet as usual. After the tests, everyone went home to what seemed like a normal evening. Shinji and Asuka returned home together, Shinji having to listen to Asuka complain about how boring the day was and brag about the last Angel SHE defeated. They walked into their apartment to hear moaning sounds coming from Misato's room. They looked at each other, and then at Penpen walking out of Misato's room. He was wearing a black leather mask, a black thong bikini, and his beak was pierced. Shinji and Asuka stared at him in disbelief. Misato walked out after him, wearing two postage stamps, a shoelace, her standard NERV issue hat, and was carrying a whip. (Food for thought) "Oh, hi guys!" She said seductively. Well, as seductive as one could get when they're thoroughly plastered. She kicked a beer can away as Shinji's nose bled. All they could do was stare at her in disgusted amazement. She walked over to them. "How 'bout joinin' me, Shinji." She said to Shinji, while caressing his cheek with the whip. Asuka's jaw dropped. "N-no..." Shinji stuttered. "But you musn't run away." She replied. Again she was trying to be seductive. "FUCK THAT MISATO!" He screamed as he ran out the door. "Ah, well, what about you, Asuka?" She cracked the whip in the air. Asuka cringed back. "SH-SHINJI, WAIT!" She yelled as she ran after him. Misato pouted, then said to Penpen "You want some more?" "Just let me grab a beer, babe." Penpen replied. He grabbed two beers and walked back into Misato's room. She followed and shut the door. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Asuka finally caught up with Shinji in front of a theater. He was leaning over, panting when she jogged up beside him. He wiped some blood from his nose. "What the hell was that about!?" he said. Asuka stopped and panted. "I don't want to know." she gasped out. Shinji stood up and looked to his right. "Hey, what's this?" said Shinji, looking at the theater marquee. "Wow, it's a re-re-release of the Rurouni Kenshin movie!" "Huh?" "C'mon, let's go. I need something to get my mind off of what I just saw." He said. "You paying?" she asked. "Yeah, whatever." He bought their tickets, and they went in. *After the movie...* Shinji and Asuka walked out if the theater with smiles on their faces. "Ahhh...A good movie always makes me feel better." Asuka said as she stretched. "But why the hell did they keep flashing back to that scene?" "To show what they're thinking about I guess...Y'know, like all those goddamn times we get stuck in Evas." "Nah, that just keeps production values down. Hey, you hungry?" Asuka looked over towards Shinji with wry smile. "Yeah!" He said, rather enthusiastic for someone hanging out with a descendant of Lorena Bobbit. "Good! Then take me to dinner!" demanded Asuka. "Sigh..all right, I don't want to go home now anyways." They both sweatdropped at the memory of Penpen and Misato. "Speaking of stupid behavior, did you see that couple making out in front the entire time?" "Yeah, they looked familiar, too. Especially the scruffy one." Shinji replied. At that moment, Commanders Gendo and Fuyuutsuki walked out of the theater, smiling happily at each other. Gendo was wiping his mouth while Fuyuutsuki buttoned up his shirt. "Sick..." Asuka and Shinji said in perfect unison with frightened looks on their faces. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji was wondering what else would happen today, since weird shit was running around like a headless chicken. It had started good, went horribly wrong, and was ending okay. (Although that bit with his father he could have done without) He and Asuka were actually on some sort of a date. Now if only his problems with his family and the Evangelions would clear up... "Shinji, stop whining to yourself and pass the salt." Asuka said. Shinji did as he was told, and wondered how the hell everyone did that. Oh, well, at least Kensuke and Touji would never find out about this. "Hi Asuka, Shinji!" It was Hikari. "Hi, Hikari!" Asuka happily replied. Hikari sat down beside Asuka. "Are you two on a date?" Hikari giggled out. "Of course not!" Asuka screamed back. Hikari's hair instantly undid itself from the sheer force, while Shinji was blown backwards. The head of the waiter behind them exploded, as everyone shielded themselves from flying gray matter. "Okay, sheesh." said Hikari. "Anyways, what are YOU doing here?" Asuka hmphed out. "Hee hee! I went shopping for Touji!" Hikari then leaned over and whispered something in Asuka's ear. Asuka's face contorted into sickness, while Hikari blushed. "It's my plan to get him to like me." Hikari said. "But shopping at Victoria's Secret?" asked Asuka. "What's Victoria's secret?" Shinji said as he got up from the floor. "Something you'll never get." Asuka nastily replied. "This day was good." He thought to himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Misato's apartment: Misato was passed out on her bed. Penpen was passed out on Misato. Kaji was looking at them curiously. He had decided to stop by after meeting with his contact to see Misato and quite possibly get some lovin'. But Penpen had beaten him to it. "Geez. Guess I'll just have to go on my backup plan." He reached into his coat and pulled out some naked pictures of Rei, pilfered from the locker room security feed. He retreated to the bathroom, smiling. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey, Hikari, can I stay at your place tonight?" Asuka pleaded. "Okay! You can help me with my man problem!" Hikari replied, again cheerfully. Apparently she never ran out the stuff. Asuka sighed, then considered the alternative. "Okay, okay." "Small price to pay" she thought. "What am I supposed to do!?" Shinji blurted out. "Oh, yeah, you have no place to go, do you?" teased Asuka. "What's going on?" queried Hikari innocently. "Never mind that. Can't you stay at Kensuke's or Touji's?" Asuka asked. "Are you kidding?! They'll want details! Lord knows I don't want to remember!" He looked desperate. "Well, you can't stay with us, Third child." Asuka crossed her arms and looked away. "I think I'll go catch an all-night movie." He mumbled as he walked down the street. "Have fun!" laughed Asuka. Hikari just stood there, dumbfounded. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All you Rei-philes are probably wondering what she's doing at this moment. Well, right now Rei was doing something very un-Rei like -- Sleeping with a teddy bear. Ha ha! You thought I was going to be disgusting, didn't you? Well that happens next chapter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another day dawned, and Shinji woke up in the only place he had found to sleep. Eva Unit-01. "Best night's sleep I've ever had." He mumbled. He got up to walk to the bathroom, when the emergency alarm went off. Unfortunately, no one was around to answer it, as day-shift hadn't started yet. "I wonder what I should do?" he thought. He rolled it over in his head, picked up a nearby newspaper, and headed for the bathroom. "Ah, the throne of the soul." he said as he sat down on the can. "The best place to think about the important stuff." He flipped to the comics section of the paper and read "The Adventures of Little R and Sakura-chan." (copyright 1998 DeathX5 Studios) Above Tokyo-3 the 14th Angel floated silently. "Knew I shouldn't have eaten Mexican last night." it thought. "I REALLY need to use the bathroom. Where's the nearest can when you need one?" One half hour and 50 rolls of toilet paper later... "Ah, that felt better. It's a shame that I had to use my arms for that last wipe, though." It waited, then began destroying random buildings for the plot of it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Central Dogma: "Give me a visual on the angel!" yelled Misato eagerly. The Angel came up on screen. "Aw, man, no tentacles this time?" Hyuuga sighed. "Deploy Evangelions, Major?" "Yeah, yeah." Misato said in a depressed manner. Evas 00-03 popped up around the Angel. They immediately took their positions. "Hey, what's that brown stuff on the Angel's arm?" Toji asked. "It looks kinda like shi-" "Silence!" screamed the Angel as it swung at him. The battle was underway. The Evas could barely hold their own against Zereul's mighty blows. Rei took it upon herself to launch a frontal assault against it, which wound up with Eva-00 flat on its ass, unable to fight. (Sorry, Rei) Then the Angel resorted to the dreaded "cross-flare" made popular by this series. "Eject Rei's entry plug!" Misato screamed. "She can't take much more of that heat!" "Have her get into Eva-01's entry plug." said Gendo coldly. "Why?" Misato yelled. "Because the plot's going nowhere." He replied. "Have you no feelings?" She yelled again. At this instant, Gendo's face contorted, and began to squeeze inward. Every inch of his face sucked itself into a tiny little hole, leaving only a beard and some hair. It looked like strangely like a one-cheeked butt. Everyone stared in disbelief. (Something that happens a lot here) "Never mind. You heard him Shinji! Asuka and Touji cover them until they're done!" Misato barked out. "Yes, ma'am!" They said in unison. Shinji plucked the entry plug out of Unit-00 and opened his own. Rei crawled from her plug to his, and slipped in behind his plug seat. "Hey, Rei." Shinji said "Ikari." She replied. "Let's go then!" Shinji yelled and charged the Angel. Units 02 and 03 had made no headway against the Angel and had fallen back. The Angel noticed Unit-01 charging it and cross flared its sorry ass. It then started focusing all of its attention on Unit-01, beating it even more purple than it already was. During one of these hits, Rei flipped over the plug seat and onto Shinji. One of Rei's...er...attributes squished against Shinji's face. Eva-01's eyes glowed white and it roared. It got up, charged the Angel, and grabbed it. Then, holding it by the shoulders, began slamming its pelvic area into the Angel's core. Every one in Nerv looked on in horror. "No!" Maya screamed. "How could their syncro-ratios be over 400%!" "400%!" said Ritsuko. Gendo's face popped out of its "hiding place" so he could smile. Zereul's core could not take the pressure any longer. It began to crack, and finally it exploded. "Talk about tough love." Toji remarked. Eva-02 nodded in agreement. Eva-01 looked up with a slightly relieved face. "After 10 long years, I'm finally free!" It laughed the laugh of all anime villains. Looking at the now-dead Angel. "Hmmm, looks tasty." It walked over, picked it up, and began to eat it. "Finger-lickin' good!" It thought to itself. Everyone in Nerv looked at the Eva, wondering what would happen next. The author stretched and wondered himself. Of course, he also wondered why he wrote this, but that was something he could figure out later. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Hours Later Rei and Shinji floated through "Plug-Space," both naked. Rei stared directly ahead, while Shinji tried hard not to look. Suddenly, a voice called out to Shinji. "DO YOU WANT TO BECOME ONE WITH ME, SHINJI IKARI?" it asked. "Uh..." Shinji replied. "Who are you?" "I AM THE LIVING PERSONIFICATION OF THE INFAMOUS MIND-FUCK EPISODES 25 AND 26, AS WELL AS THE MOVIE 'REBIRTH.' I AM ANNOGELION. THE CREATOR OF THIS UNIVERSE." Rei chose this moment to speak up. "That is all well and good, but this is a cheesy fanfiction. Therefore, you have no power here. Only the writer does." "THE WRITER IS USING THE TOILET AT THIS MOMENT." It said, rather triumphantly. "But now I'm back! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now I bind you to my will, Annogelion!" the writer shot out. "NOOOOOOOO! NOT NOW! GRR-ERGH-ZAAH! I WILL BE BACK, SHINJI! AND YOU WILL BE MINE! HAHAHAHAHA!" One disturbance in the force later, Annogelion vanished. "You're in charge now, Rei!" The writer said. "What the hell just happened?" Shinji said, very much confused. Rei gave a polite shake of her head, implying she didn't know either. "But it said you're in charge. Shouldn't you know?" Shinji whined. "We should just wait." Rei said solemnly. "Okay, but can we get some clothes? It said you were in charge, so you should be able to do that." She didn't reply. She just floated there silently. "Rei?" Still no response. "Rei? About the clothes?" Rei smiled evilly. End Part 1... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------