An Untitled Evangelion Epic by David Uzumeri A wassup to alla y'all. Please, please, PLEASE C&C my fic by emailing me at uzumerid@technobastards.net - I really love the attention. ;) And big thanks to Addison Godel. He's the man, and my proofreader. Part Two KEEL-BOY POWERHEAD / "The God of Smoke and Mirrors" -- The virtual meeting room of SEELE was dark and foreboding, as usual. The "old men" of the shadowy organization were being represented by thirteen gigantic obelisks, as usual. And the chairman of the board, Keel Lorentz, was acting like a nine-year-old AOL user on Jolt. Not as usual. 'alright everybody' said Keel. 'its time that we began to rule the weak populace i have decided that what we need to do is to instrumentalize our world into one where there is no ambiguity. im tired of all this grey area crap i think everything should be RIGHT and WRONG and that is my plan.' "But Mr. Lorentz," said SEELE-07, "We're supposed to cause Instrumentality..." 'but thats no fun,' said Keel. 'we need to RULE THE EARTH POPULACE using our POWERS OF TITANIC MIGHT - we have the WILL and therefore we have the WAY!!!!' "Yes, but this wasn't originally..." interjected SEELE-09. 'SILENCE THOU IMPUDENT FOOOOL!!!!!!!' said a rather pissed-off Keel. 'I and only i will give you PERMISSION TO SPEAK !! until then... let me explain. we will combine the SPEAR OF LONGNESS with lilith to create the ULTIMATE WORLD!!' "That wasn't the scenario, man," said SEELE-12. 'now listen. i know what the original scenario is because i am KEEEL LORENTS! i will create a world where EVERYTHING IS KNOWN! all wrongs are righted! EVERYTHING will come to a HAPPY ENDING! and everything shall get what they desire!!!!' "But, um, what people desire can inflict on one another and create a mass war that could result in the destruction of the human race," said SEELE-02. 'SHUT UP u dont know what you are TALKING ABOUT!' Keel was quite angry now. 'everybody will know everything and THAT IS FINAAAAAAAAL!' SEELE-01's display blinked out. -- Commander Gendou Ikari was sitting in his office. His cold, hard, uncompassionate office - that was pretty much a metaphor for Ikari himself. He sat at a large desk, hands steepled out before him, seemingly looking blankly into the distance. To an outsider, it would look like he was waiting intently for something to happen. Thinking. The true signs of a great intellect, a man of cold vision and relentless determination. In reality, he was sleeping behind his red-tinted glasses. Sudddenly, the phone rang, waking him up with a fitful start. "Wha... wha... hello? What the he... I mean... Commander Ikari speaking," said Ikari after hitting the 'accept call' button out of reflex. 'listen you white boy!!!!' said the gruff yet somewhat different voice from the other end of the line. 'it's me KEEEL and you'd better realize that you been fucking around way too damn long!! i dont know why weve been waiting like this but i want you to go get someone to take the lance of longness right NOW and start instrumentality!!!!!! ill be there shortly were going to create the PERFECT EXISTENCE!!!!' "Hey, are you all right? Your voice has changed..." 'i am FINE MAN now just get one of your little underbitches to pick me up the fuckin' spear! i'll be there shortly!!!' -- Gendou was actually awake in his office when Keel arrived. "Hello, Mr. Lorentz," he began. 'cut the crap gendoo its time for the PLAN TO BEGIN', claimed Keel. "Well, um, understood, Mr. Lorentz. Would you like some coffee?" Gendou grinned hopefully. Gendou pulled a mug of black coffee out from under his desk and offered it to Keel. 'BLACK COFFEE i dont drink no fuckin BLACK COFFEE bitch.' Keel stuck his tongue out. 'you uncultured beeeeyotches.' "Um, okay, sir. Now. You wish for us to begin Instrumentality *right now*?" Gendou continued grinning like an idiot, in the hope that he might actually say something right. He prayed internally that maybe Keel would stop this, that maybe he would that maybe he would decide to abandon this sudden shift in the scenario. Maybe... Keel stuck his face in Ikari's. 'YES U STUPID WH00R!!!! what the hell else would i have said???' he screamed, nearly breaking Ikari's eardrums with the power of his voice and nearly breaking Ikari's mind with the power of his stupidity. Gendou leaned his head back out of reflex. "You are aware of the incredible inherent risk in breaking the scenario in this way, correct? Maybe you should reconsider, I mean..." 'here we GO yo here we GO yo so whats the whats the SCENARIO? FUCK THE SCENARIO IKARI... i want RESULTS!!!!!!!' Suddenly, Keel's wheelchair began floating up off the floor into the space above Gendou's desk. It grabbed Ikari by the neck with two robotic arms, and threw him across the room. His back slammed against the obsidian wall and he cried out as Keel taunted: 'U R BOUND 4 THE FLOOR!!!' Gendou dragged himself off the floor and began dusting off his jacket. "Mr. Lorentz... I'm... sorry, but... I cannot abide by... this decision," Gendou huffed, out of breath. Keel pressed a button and a rather hentai photo of Yui showering appeared on a flag behind him. 'you might get to see yuuuuuiiiiii sooner....' Gendou stiffly stood up and saluted. "It will commence at 0400 hours." Keel laughed manically. 'MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!! now THATS what i like to hear.' -- Gendou summoned Rei Ayanami into his office. The blue-haired albino child entered the room with a fixed look of determined apathy on her face. She walked around Gendou's desk until she stood to his left, her hands clasped in front of her. "Yes, sir?" Keel grinned lecherously. 'Look at the @$$ on that bitch!!!!!' He moved behind her and began pinching it. Naturally, Rei was either oblivious or uncaring to this occurence, and she stood patiently until Gendou was finished giving Keel dirty looks. Finally, he spoke up. "It's time. Now, it begins." "Understood, sir," Rei replied mechanically. The two walked out of Gendou's office, Keel following behind in his mechanical wheelchair. 'so is this a father and daughter kind of thing going on or something far more deeeper???' Keel amusedly wondered aloud. "It is none of your business," said Gendou behind gritted teeth. 'i cant help but notice that she looks somewhat like your regretted LATE WIFE, ikari,' said Keel as he alternated between teasingly poking Gendou and groping Rei. "Listen, this is none of your concern," said Ikari, sighing. "She bears the soul of Lilith, and that is final... that is all that is required, Keel." They continued walking along the path, with Rei being characteristically silent. 'whatever man your just a sick bastard' said Keel. 'a lecherous old man who can't get ANY no more.......' Gendou growled and kept walking for a few feet, then blinked as something occurred to him. He turned around and commented: "Keel, you're so old you need cybernetic implants to live and you were groping Rei about five minutes ago. You're being incredibly hypocritical." Keel laughed insanely. 'sooooo? the world will CHANGE SOON! hypocrisy will become IMPOSSIBLE!!!' Gendou sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Well, I guess you *could* see it like that, but... whatever you say, old man. Let's just keep going." Rei was silent throughout the entire affair. -- Gendou and his companions stood in the shadow of the ominous metal doors known 'round those parts as the Gate of Heaven. Beyond those doors was humanity's origin, its benefator, its creator and protector, the being who was destined to bring her children to a new level of perfection. Ikari held the key to the Gates of Heaven, and swiped it through the small slit in the keypad. After inserting a series of alphanumeric characters, the Gates of Heaven opened for all to see, showing the terrible yet majestic creature beyond. She was large, easily many times the size of a normal woman; each of her hands were attached to the ends of a large red cross, plainly giving her the figure of a crucified Jesus; her grotesque, newly-generated legs hung loose above the sea of her lifeblood - the LCL. And in the Speech of all Man, the speech spoken before the fall of Babel, the idiom of the Gods, Lillith spoke: Keel gave a gang sign. 'my down homie LILIS! wutz UP??? you got hear from the other world 2???' Gendou blinked and looked at Rei, then at Keel, and then, finally at Lillith. "This is not happening," he murmured. "This is not happening, not happening, this is NOT HAPPENING, I am going to pinch myself and WAKE UP..." Everybody got the mental impression that Lillith was grinning. Ikari wiped his brow with the back of his hand, and fainted. Keel grinned. 'sucka couldn't TAKE it!' He then looked lecherously at Rei and laughed evilly. 'str1P woman!!!!' "Hai," said Rei apathetically as she removed herself of all garments. The room seemed to reverberate as Lillith's chuckle entered everybody's mind. Rei went on her tiptoes and flew off the ground. She moved towards Lillith... Towards Lillith... Towards Lillith... And into Lillith. -- Tokyo-3 awoke to a bright new day. One of its citizens, Shinji Ikari, awoke at roughly the same time. He quickly got dressed and left his room to sit down at breakfast with his guardian, Misato, his armored physical 'guardian', Arsenal, and his frequent tormentor, Asuka. Misato grinned cheerfully and put a plate on the surface of the breakfast table. "Good morning, Shinji! It's me, Misato, the only living survivor of Second Impact! I was scarred for life, mentally and physically, by that horrible event. I'm also currently eloping with my ex-boyfriend Kaji, and am attempting to track down the sad truth behind the entirety of Project EVA!" Arsenal raised an eyebrow. She flipped a pancake, and Shinji grinned. "Nice to see things are OK! How about you, Asuka?" "I'm quite fine, baka," snorted Asuka. "I only insult you because I'm a tortured little German girl still haunted by the sad suicide of my mother! I react negatively to everybody and everything but Kaji, whom I constantly fool myself into thinking I love! However, I really have an underdeveloped adoration for you, Shinji, although I'm forced to hide that behind a mask of mockery and hatred!" Arsenal raised another eyebrow. Shinji sighed. "Asuka, could you please stop adding to my tortured little life which I create for myself despite the fact that I could see things as being positive if I only changed my state of mind?" Arsenal, with both eyebrows raised, wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and sweatdropped. Misato grinned. "Well, after this breakfast that's probably utter shit since I cooked it but I never admit my horrible cooking due to my mask of optimism, let's all go off to our absolutely horrible jobs which all of us completely despise and feel have completely ruined our entire lives!" "Works for me!" chimed in Asuka. "Let's eat!" said Shinji. Arsenal sighed. "Now, this is all fantastic and well, and I'm sure you're all duly fascinated by all this, but I'm really fucking hungry. Can we eat now?" "Sure, Arsenal!" said Shinji. "Hey, so what's YOUR story?" "There is no way in hell I'm about to pull that crap you people pulled. Take your happy pills this morning or something?" "No! We're all just extremely happy with revealing those disgusting little bits of our lives which we probably can't even admit to ourselves! I mean, it would be HORRIBLE if people were confused about those completely pointless little events in our daily lives!" "Um, whatever, guys," said Arsenal. "You're serously freaking me out. Now where's my damn pancakes? I don't get paid to starve." "Here you all go!" said Misato with a cheery smile. "And remember: These pancakes are 98% fat free!" "Um, why are you saying that?" asked Arsenal. "I never saw that as being very important..." "But what if we don't say? What if somebody, for the rest of their lives, wonders how fat-free the pancakes used today were? That would be an atrocity!" Arsenal sighed. "This is pointless. Let's just eat." -- The faces of the three Children appeared on the video screen before Ritsuko and Misato, showing the children with rare looks of peace and contentness on their faces. The room reverberated with a dull hum caused by the EVA test bays, all of which was related to one thing: The day's bout of Evangelion synchronization tests had begun. "Have fun attempting to control the souls of your dead mothers!" exclaimed Ritsuko. "It's me, Ritsuko, another eternally depressed 30-year-old woman and one of the very few people truly privy to the secrets of Project EVA! I was the child of a single mother, who was also depressed and possibly mildly insane! Following in her footsteps, I maintain the MAGI and fuck Gendou like a desperate rabbit! Good morning, everybody!" "Good morning, Ritsuko!" said Shinji, Asuka, and Misato with smiles. Arsenal had other thoughts on his mind. "What the fuck is going on here?" he asked nobody in particular. "Why is everybody suddenly explaining every detail of their lives?" "Because..." began Ritsuko. "One more god-damned explanation and I'll..." Arsenal began, stopped, and then considered. "But wait... that's an explanation about why you're explaining but..." Arsenal wobbled a bit. "Would it be a good explanation, a bad explanation or..." Arsenal shook his head madly. "Or... or a REAL TRUE explanation or just an explanation in your own mind or..." Arsenal passed out. -- keel laughed 'bwahahah! i hope all of you bastards are liking my PERFECT WORLD!' In Keel's perfect world, SEELE had... changed a bit. While they were once a shadowy international organization that met only in a virtual-reality room as large gray obelisks, they now sat, in person, at a long mahogany table, with Keel at the head. Behind Keel was a fantastic view of Tokyo-3 - as a matter of fact, the type of view one typically gets from the windows of a high-rise office building's meeting room. Because that was, as a matter of fact, exactly what they were in. A high-rise office building with the words "SEELE HQ" printed on practically every open space on the exterior. A high-rise office building where a gigantic neon sign in the shape of a mask with seven eyes spun slowly at the top. "Um, isn't this a tad bit too conspicuous for what we're doing?" asked SEELE-04. "I mean, we are a shadowy international organization and all." 'bahahahahah! NOT ANYMORE, PRETTY BOY!' screamed Keel with a deranged look in his eyes. 'welcome to my new world where EVERYBODY IS INFORMED OF WHAT GOES ON? i'm tired of not being able to figure out what the fuck is going on with my OWN PLANS! imagine what an outside observer would think of our entire little operation? HUH? we're a bunch of gigantic gray rocks in a black room! THAT JUST WON'T DO!!!!' Everybody in the room, excluding Keel, reeled in shock. "But this defeats our entire nature," SEELE-06 said reproachfully. "We're supposed to secretly ascend man to a new state of being, like thieves in the night." 'WRONG AGAIN! no... no.... now i shall tell you all of my TRRUEEE plan!' "True plan? What the hell are you talking about?" exclaimed SEELE-03 fervently. He slammed his fist on the table. "You wanted evolution even more than the rest of us! You worked the hardest for it! Have you gone mad, man?" 'heeeheeeheeeeee. no... noo..... noooooO! no, i am absolutely FINE! my TRUE PLANS shall now be revealed to you AALLLL! i plan on doing something known quite simply as......' Keel pressed a button, and a humungous roll-down map flew down from a black cylinder above the window and slapped against the glass. It was a gigantic map of the planet Earth, and on every land mass was written, quite simply, "KEEL'S KOUNTREE." 'TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!' "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR DAMNED MIND!" screamed SEELE-03. He rose from the table thrust a pointing finger at the wheelchair-bound maniac. "TAKING OVER THE WORLD? I thought people stopped that pointless crap in GRADE SCHOOL! The world was supposed to be taken over by my PLAYGROUND BULLY, not some half-metal wheelchair-bound dipshit! I mean, for Christ's sake, man, if you were going to be an evil mastermind at least you could SPELL THE WORD COUNTRY CORRECTLY!" SEELE-07 also rose. "I agree with Number Three! What the hell is wrong with you? We were supposed to bring the Black Moon from the depths of the Earth and merge it with the essence of the White Moon in our final harbinger, Kaworu 'Tabris' Nagisa, and guide humanity to a new existence with Lillith, its eternal protector! Instead, you come up with some inane half-assed plan! And it didn't even take any skill! HOW are you going to take over the world? THE ENTIRE DAMN WORLD? Here, it looks like you wrote that crap by ripping it out of a National Geographic atlas and scrawling on it with CRAYON!" 'THAT'S IT don't make fun of my MASTER MIND!! I LIKE MY CRAYONS!!!!' screamed Keel. 'PREPARE FOR EJECTIONN!' He pressed a button, and SEELE-07's chair flew out of a trapdoor in the roof. SEELE-07 blinked. "You IDIOT! I wasn't even sitting in the chair!" 'i... um.... I knew THAT! take it as a warning for your INSOLENCE!' screamed Keel. 'i haven't even told you my MASTER PLAN yet!' "Oh?" said SEELE-05 with a smirk. "And what would this master plan be?" 'i will FORGET your little lack of respect right now, Number Five. NOW! all of you must realize that at THE EARTH'S CORE lies a humungous amount of heat and energy!' "Well, yes," said SEELE-09. "I learned that in my fourth grade science class." He gave a mocking smile. The othe members of SEELE began laughing nervously, until they were interrupted by... 'SILENCE!' Keel exclaimed. 'DO NOT TAKE SUCH A TONE WITH ME! now, all of you - you must realize that if we could create a WEAPON that utilized that enormous amount of power, we could threaten ANY NATION ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! THE WORLD IS OURS! Now, what I shall do is create a pipe with a ONE MILE DIAMETER and drill it from this building to the very center of the Earth! I shall then install a cannon on the top of this building that will TAP THAT POWER, and we will be able to attack ANY COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!' There was silence for a few moments, when SEELE-11 spoke up. "In all due respect, Keel," he began... 'yes, number eleven?' SEELE-11 cleared his throat, stood up straight, gathered his resolve, and spoke. "That is, without a doubt, the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my entire life. The Earth's core is HUNDREDS OF MILES BELOW OUR FEET. There isn't enough MATERIAL TO MAKE THAT PIPE. And besides, how the hell will we be able to hit a country like America from the top of our damn skyscraper? It's not that bloody high! Any projectile fired with that amount of power will just go out of orbit and hit the moon or something! What's HAPPENED to you, man? You used to have a BRAIN in that cybernetic 'body' of yours!" By the time he was finished, SEELE-11 was standing on the seat of his chair and wagging both index fingers reproachfully at Keel. 'WRONG ANSWER BUDDDY!' screamed Keel. He pressed another button, and the very distinct scream of a low-level secretary in a floor downstairs being thrown out the window could be heard. 'errr well, okay, wrong buttton... but i did that on purpose!! take that as a warning of the POWER of my KILL BUTTONS!' "Shouldn't that be 'Keel Buttons'?" asked SEELE-02. He began to giggle. Keel gave him an icy-cold stare behind his metallic visor. -- Arsenal awoke in a hospital bed. He'd been in this room before, but with positions reversed - he was waiting over the boy who was currently reading in the chair next to him. Shinji poked his head up from the book. "Um... hi. Are you feeling okay now?" he asked. "Er, well, I guess so..." said Arsenal. "Hey... where's my combat armor?" Shinji stood up. "It's all waiting for you at the front desk, for obvious reasons it couldn't be left on during the repairing of your cranial nerves. You up for leaving?" "Aye." Arsenal sat up in his bed and started pulling away the sheets. "Then let's go." Shinji walked to the door, opened, and left. -- Arsenal put his hand over his eyes as he exited the room, adjusting to the sunlight coming through the gigantic windows to his right. It took him time to adjust, but luckily, he was at a nurse's desk by that point. "Um... hello. I kind of fell unconscious, and they had to remove much of my clothing and armor to treat me... I was hoping I could pick it up here..." The nurse looked rather annoyed. "Ahem... excuse me, sir. Are you cleared by your doctor to leave?" Arsenal's eyebrows went up. "I have a doctor?" "Well, yes, that's why you're not reeling with pain, Mr..." she grimaced, obviously rather exasperated. "What *is* your name, anyway?" "Arsenal. Rex Arsenal." Arsenal sighed. Shinji was leaning against the wall, obviously rather bored. "Rex... Arsenal. Yes. Well, Mr. Arsenal, it says that your brain wasn't supposed to have healed up for another two months." "Two months? How long has it *been*?" "Well... about two hours." The nurse was, by this point, regarding Arsenal as some kind of obnoxious pest. "Now, let me see if we can clear this with Dr. Howser." Arsenal began looking rather angry. "Listen. I'm up. I'm awake. I'm standing here in a god-damned nightshirt. I'm in perfect condition. I'd like my armor and ballistics, please." The nurse stared at Arsenal with narrowed eyes. "Now, listen. I'm not authorized to..." "Fuck this. I'll give you authorization." At that point, Arsenal walked into the nurse's office, grabbed a large wooden crate labeled "ARSENAL'S COOL SHIT," and attempted to pick it up. "ARRGH!" He began breathing rapidly. "This is... heavier... than I REMEMBER!" Then he heard a sound inside of the box. "What the hell? Are there rats in this thing?" Arsenal placed his hands on the top of the box and ripped the panel off with ease. Arsenal looked into the box and narrowed his eyes. Shinji could faintly hear a voice from inside the box: "I... I'm sorry, Mr. Arsenal! It was... an accident! Yeah! I was supposed to be in another crate, but they stuck me in this one! It's not my fault that I have absolutely no inherent masculinity and rely on a heavy military obsession to cover up my small penis. Therefore, I am completely infatuated with you, the absolute realization of..." Arsenal grabbed Kensuke by the cuff of his shirt and lifted him out of the box. "SHUT UP!!! I'll tell you when I *care* about your penis envy! If I have to hear one more stupid explanation, I'm going to break your skull in! What the hell do you think I am, a walking action figure?" Kensuke grinned. "Well, actually, that kinda is..." Arsenal frowned. "That's it, I'm gonna do what I shoulda done a long time ago." The staff found Kensuke about twenty minutes later, looking extremely dazed, in a dumpster outside the building. When they offered him help, he only gave one reply: "Well... at least I'm near a hospital." -- Arsenal walked out of the building in full combat gear; Shinji walked out in more or less a daze. Misato and Asuka were waiting in front in a parked car. The four entered the car, and things were generally silent until the engine roared and Asuka squealed. "Mein Gott!" snorted Asuka in a rather annoyed fashion. "What took you two morons so long?" "I..." began Arsenal. "He had to get his things," said Shinji meekly. "Oh, the big weapons he needs to make up for his..." Asuka began, grinning. Arsenal's cheeks began to get red. "That's enough, Asuka," said Misato, in a somewhat motherly tone. "Arsenal's gone through lots of combat training, and you shouldn't be making fun of him. It's not healthy." Arsenal's cheeks got even redder. Shinji tapped his shoulder in a reminder to calm down, but Arsenal didn't seem to be taking the hint. "Oh, whatever," said Asuka. "All I'd need to do to knock him out is give him a good kick in the-- GAAACK!" Arsenal's hands closed around her throat. Misato immediately stopped the car to deal with the quarrel. She decided this wasn't a smart move when she felt the car behind her slam into the back of the vehicle, sending it rather chaotically off the road and off a ridge into the woodlands surrounding Tokyo-3. "SHIT!" screamed Misato. "NO! Dear God, no! We're going to DIE! We're going to DIE! We're going to DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Misato passed out from shock before the car finally came to a rest somewhere next to a small creek. At that point, Arsenal, Asuka, and Shinji simply opened the doors and walked out. "Um, sorry," said Asuka rather sheepishly. -- Shinji sighed. "Dammit! I can't get through to them!" He was currently sitting on a rock a good few hours after his party met with their unfortunate accident. He deftly flipped the cellular phone down from his ear back to his belt clip. "We've been trying for hours and still no luck. It seems like we're too far out of range." Arsenal sighed. "Damn it. I guess we'll just have to rest here for the night and wait for her to wake up. We'll try to hike back in the morning." Shinji looked at Arsenal. "I'll go gather some firewood... that okay with all of you?" Arsenal stared at Shinji with raised eyebrows. "I didn't expect you to volunteer straight out, but hey, if you want to, go ahead." Shinji smiled. "Thanks." He quickly ran off into the woods. Arsenal thought to himself. He walked over to Asuka, who was crouched down next to the still-passed-out Misato. He crouched down next to her and attempted to see into her downcast eyes. "Alright... look, I'm sorry for strangling you. This is all my fault. Cheer up - it's not that bad..." Asuka glared at him. "Not that bad, dummkopf? Consider this situation! What would happen if an Angel decided to attack *right now*? What would you say then?" Arsenal pondered. "Well, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?" He glanced down at her again. "Don't worry yourself to death. Things will be fine, I think. I can go hunt for food or something like that - just don't worry about things. Misato will wake up eventually, and then we'll be able to leave - I've checked her pulse, she's fine. She just had a severe panic attack. I've laid her down so that she's comfortable." Asuka began to cheer up. "Well, I guess things won't be SO bad..." -- Shinji, meanwhile, was walking through the forest attempting to get firewood. He'd picked up a sizeable amount, so he sat down to rest, think, and reflect. he thought. He got up, picked up his bundle, and began walking back. He grinned. -- A few hours later, everybody (including a newly revived Misato) was sitting around a rather lively campfire eating rabbit meat. "We'll begin hiking tomorrow, I think," said Arsenal. "It shouldn't be too long of a walk, and we'll be able to hitchhike the way back." "My car..." Misato cried into her lap. "My brand-new, beautiful car..." Shinji looked at Misato. "It's not in that bad shape. We can get it towed away and fixed or something..." Misato didn't look very consoled. Asuka sighed. "Although dragging her along won't be too easy. She doesn't seem to be in much of a walking mood. At least things can't get any worse." At that point, everybody's vision was destroyed by radiant light that shined down from above. -- 'HA HAHA YOU NERRDY NERV FOOLZ NOW I WILL EXACT MY PLAAAAAAN!' Keel screamed with a bullhorn from the helicopter. Arsenal looked up. "What the hell is this?" he screamed. 'I AM KEEEL LORENTS! and soon I will be KEEEELING YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!' Misato began crying again. "We're doomed, we're doomed..." 'now i shall take you all RANSOM! before i can deploy my TRUE INTENTIONS of TAKING OVER THE ENTIRE WORLD, i must conquer you NERVs! therefore i shall CAPTURE YOU AND TAKE YOU HOSTAGE!!' Shinji looked up into the light and shielded his eyes. "Um, could you explain what you just said?" Keel frowned. 'SHUT UP BITCH BOY!!' he screamed. 'This is it! CAPTURE THEM!!' The helicopter pilot pressed a large red button on his control panel. At that moment, the entire party was captured in a rather large net. The helicopter touched down, and Keel began riding out. 'hahahahahHAA you fools! Soon you will face the WRATH OF KEEEEEL! You will never escape from my MASSIVE NET OF ROPE!' "You idiot," said Arsenal. He quickly produced a pocketknife from a belt compartment and cut a hole in the side of the net that he was able to crawl through, and he did just that. 'heheheEHEHEHHEHE!!!' screamed Keel derangedly. 'you have NO CHANCE against me! looks like i'll just have to KILL YOU MYSELF with my WHEELCHAIR OF DOOOOOOM!' Arsenal glared at him. "Wheelchair of... okay, fuck this." He quickly drew two heavy-looking laser pistols from his sides, used his pinkies to load in energy cartridges, and was shooting in approximately .5 seconds. Unfortunately, this had no effect to the blue glow-shield surrounding Keel. 'ha ha HA, hee hee HEE, time to die for you not me!!!' Keel rhymed into the air. He pressed a button, and two large bazookas came out from the left and right sides of his chair. 'GO GO KEEL BAZOOOOOOOOKAS!' Arsenal spread his arms wide as Keel pressed another button. Two extremely large and menacing-looking heat-seeking missiles with grinning Gaghiels drawn on the end moved in Arsenal's general direction... and dropped to the ground, spent, about a meter away from his feet. Arsenal laughed. "GO GO KEEL STUPIDITY! Time to die, you senile old bastard." 'NOOOO!' screamed Keel. 'U will never GET AWAY WITH THIS! GO GO KEEEEL COPTER!!' He pressed another button, and a small propeller came out of the back of his wheelchair. At that, Arsenal began running to the Apache helicopter that Keel had arrived on. It had begun to take off, but Arsenal shot a grappling hook around one of the landing bars. Thusly, he flew. -- "Well, that was certainly... interesting," said Shinji. He crawledout of the hole in the net. "Who was that guy in the wheelchair, though? He was completely insane." "I have no clue," Misato whimpered sickly. She crawled out herself. "Although this has been a very... eventful... day." Shinji turned around. "Hey, what's with Asuka? She looks kinda out of it." He walked up to her and waved his hand in front of her daydreaming eyes. "That was so cooool!" she said. Then, she turned to Shinji. "Why can't YOU be more like that?" Shinji promptly slammed his head against his hand. -- Keel was flying. The helicopter followed. Arsenal was hanging by the landing bar, shotgun in one hand, using the tracking sensor in his visor to take numerous potshots at the elusive maniac. He was missing every time. "Damn it!" he yelled to himself. "I'm out of shells!" He dropped the weapon, rather acrobatically flipped up into the helicopter, feet-first, took out a dagger, and held it to the pilot's throat. "You're going to take me to wherever he's headed safely, or you're going to die. Is that clear?" "Y... yes, sir!" -- Shinji sighed. "I can't believe he just up and left us! I think we're going in the right direction, but..." Shinji and his companions were hiking through thick forest, as theyhad been for the past fifteen minutes. They weren't exactly one hundred percent sure as to where they were going, but both Shinji and Misato thought they were headed somewhat in the right direction, judging from the time and the point of the sun's arc. Asuka snorted. "At least he did SOMETHING useful! I just hope he's okay..." Misato turned to Asuka. "How'd you get so softened up to him all of a sudden? He was strangling you just a while earlier..." Asuka pondered. "Yeah, well..." "Hey, look at this!" Shinji called. "I found something!" The other two rushed to where he pointed. "What the hell is it?" Asuka remarked. "Hey, wait, that looks kinda like..." Sitting on the grass, its fall broken by the trees, was Arsenal's shotgun. -- "Well, this is certainly different," said Arsenal as he flew towards NERV headquarters. Keel's copter-chair had already touched down near the base of the gigantic pyramid. It was a large white structure, with the NERV logo cheerfully emblazened on all three sides of the building. On the top was a gigantic crucified monster impaled on a two-pronged spear. Arsenal jumped off the helicopter to the top of the pyramid and slid down the side to Keel. 'hello you STUPID BITCH it is time for FUUUUUUUUUUN!' said Keel. 'NOW MY MASTER PLAN WILL CONTNUE!!!!' "But I just foiled your plan," said Arsenal. "What the hell are you talking about?" 'YOU DO NOT SEEEE IT IS AN IMPROVISATIONAL PLAAAN!' said Keel. 'I have planned for all possible plans to be planned!' Arsenal blinked. "I repeat: What the hell are you talking about? You have... my brain is turning backflips." Keel grinned. 'NOW i shall kidnap GENDOOO! you will have to pay ten thousand dollars in ransom!!!' Arsenal took out a rifle. "Not if I have anything to say about it." Keel grinned evilly. 'your puny ballistics have NO EFFECT ON ME!!!!! I have the POWER OF THE AT FIELD!!!' Arsenal laughed. "Bullshit." He flipped the gun in his hand and shot Keel with it. The bullet bounced off of a shimmering blue field. "What the fuck? That isn't an AT Field!" 'no it's an ABSOLUTELY TERIFIC FIELD!!!! my own INVENTION!!!!' Keel laughed maniacally. 'and now I shall TAKE GENDOU FOR MYSELF!!!!' Keel turned on the afterburners on his chair and zoomed backwards into NERV headquarters. Arsenal followed the smoke trail, shooting all the while. "Maybe... he'll run out of energy!" Arsenal puffed. "Maybe... maybe... maybe I can just exhaust him!" -- Keel entered Gendou's office. 'hello GENDY!' said Keel. "I see. It is you, Keel, the evil manipulator of the entire Earth. I hope you're happy tormenting my poor soul, as I am a sinner in the eyes of God who has forsaken his only son for his own cruel ambitions and his own sad sex drive. How are you today?" he said ominously. 'heeHeHEEEEE!' screamed Keel. 'I will now KIDNAP YOU!!!!!' Gendou picked up a semi-automatic. "Never." He emptied three clips into Keel before realizing they were all on the floor, blocked by the Absolutely Terrific Field. 'Ain't it absolutely TERRIFFIC???' asked Keel. 'Let's GO! Go Go KEEL CAPTURE!' A large net shot out of Keel's chair and wrapped around Gendou. "Damn it, Keel, let me out of this monstrosity!" Keel laughed. 'no i WONT! you will be coming with ME--' He was distracted by a rifle shot in the back. "I really hope you weren't thinking you'd lose me, you moron," said Arsenal. "Your stupid afterburner left an exhaust trail." Keel slammed his hand on the arm of his wheelchair. 'DAMN! not you again! i shall have to RETURN TO MY SECRET BASE OF OPERATIONS AT SEELE HEADQUARTERS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THIS WORLD OF EXPLANATION! goodbye, g00nz!!!!!' Arsenal twirled his gun and put it behind his back. "Well, that's taken care of. Now I just need to get to SEELE headquarters. Ikari, where is it?" "It's the big building downtown!" Ikari screamed desperately. "Now..." "Thanks! Ciao!" Arsenal ran out of the room. Gendou began attempting to get out of the net. "God damn it..." -- The wind blew against Keel's hair as he flew through the wide expanse of air between NERV and SEELE. 'that stupid FOOOL!' he screamed. 'he could Never catch up with MOI!' he began laughing maniacally at the concept. 'soon he shall see the Power of my PSYCHO DRIVE! now I shall look behind me! i am SHURE that he will be far, FAR away!' Keel looked behind him. 'hahaHA! I cannot even SEE HIM! he will NEVER catch up with meee!' He turned around just in time to crash, head-on, into the engine of a Learjet. -- Arsenal, meanwhile, was reading the newspaper in the back of a rather comfy limousine, slowly being driven towards his ultimate destination - the rather conspicuous 'secret headquarters' of SEELE in the middle of downtown Tokyo-3. An very loud banging noise could be heard above him. "Hey, Jeeves, could you turn on the sunroof? I'd like to see what's going on." He whistled as Jeeves, the official NERV chauffeur, pressed a small gold-plated lever on the limo's control panel. Arsenal looked up as the roof of the car slowly contracted into folded material at the car's rear. "Oh, my dear lord. It looks like a plane just had a crash!" He got out of the car and ran up to a tall, middle-aged man with long red hair, who was looking at the skies above with a curious pair of antiquated opera glasses. Arsenal took out his hand. "Sir?" The man looked at Arsenal with a confident grin and shook his hand. "Hello, I'm Touga Kiryuu! I used to be the President of the Ohtori Student Council, but I was also a Duelist and emissary from the End..." Arsenal blinked. "What the hell are you TALKING ABOUT? I don't CARE! What just HAPPENED?" "Oh, a curious little man who was in some kind of bizarre flying wheelchair just smashed into a Learjet. The man seemed to escape unha..." Arsenal grabbed Touga's hand harder. "Did you say FLYING WHEELCHAIR?" Touga's brow furrowed. "Oh, yes, why?" Arsenal let go and ran towards the car. "Top speed, Jeeves!" Jeeves turned around and looked at Arsenal. "Right away, sir." He grinned as he pressed a large red button on the control panel. Arsenal jumped into the car as it began turning off the road, to the right, into a large green expanse of field. A large black tube began extruding from the back, from which a fiery orange glow began to emanate. Two gigantic black forms shot out of the sides - generally recognizable as wings - and the car began moving along at top speed. "Let us go," announced Jeeves as he pulled up on the throttle which had just popped out next to the gearshift. -- The limousine/convertible plane touched down near SEELE's gigantic monolith of a headquarters. Arsenal walked out of the car and began purposefully striding towards the skyscraper, pondering the smack he was about to put down. Raiding the building wasn't going to be easy, that's for sure, and he wasn't sure as to what the best modus oper... he told himself. He readied a rocket launcher in each hand and walked towards the surprisingly unguarded front doors. he thought. He held his breath and walked through. -- Shinji sat down. "God damn, I'm exhausted." Misato nodded and grinned. "It's alright, Shinji-kun. We're almost there, though - I'm starting to hear traffic." Asuka gave Shinji a rather violent 'pat' on the back. "Come on, it's not too much longer..." Shinji looked up at his two companions. "Yeah, but can we just rest for fifteen minutes or so? I'm dead tired." Misato lay down on the grass. "Sure, why not?" Asuka sat on the grass. "Oh well, I guess I could catch some R&R myself..." After about two minutes, Shinji talked. "You know, I've been thinking..." "What is it?" inquired Misato. "...oh, it's nothing. Forget about it." Shinji began picking blades of grass and chewing on them. "No, really, what? I'm interested." Shinji began pulling the grass out of his mouth, therefore cutting it in half. "No, really, it's..." "Look, just tell us," said Asuka. "You've built it up now, now we're curious." "Well, you know, it's been a long walk, and I was thinking about the possibility of an Angel attack right now, and then I began thinking, what *are* the Angels, really? I mean, yeah, they're big and ugly and weird, but I'm starting to think that maybe they really are God's messengers, you know? To give us a challenge to better ourselves..." Asuka snorted. "That's impossible. They're just aliens from the moon bent on attacking us or something - all this Angel crap is just that. Crap." "Well," began Misato, "I have reason to think that the Angels are really just the ultimate stages of evolution for the other intelligent races that have lived on our planet." Shinji blinked. "Where the hell did that come from? I mean, I'm not exactly sure I agree... that could be true, but then why are they called Angels? It makes no sense." "You're both thinking in the clouds," said Asuka. "Please, be realistic. They're just some really ugly aliens." "Then why are they so different?" asked Misato. "Look, we'll never know the answer to this. Let's just give up," said Shinji. "Besides, we have somewhere to go." Misato nodded. "Yeah, just forget about it... we'd better get going again." Asuka blinked. "Hey! Wait! Don't just change the sub..." she sighed. "Ah well." -- Arsenal opened the front door of SEELE headquarters, and walked through an artsy-looking white marble room to an obsidian reception desk. It had the SEELE logo carved into it and then painted on in varying colors. Behind the desk, predictably enough, was a receptionist. "Sir, do you have an appointment?" she said, smiling cheerfully. Arsenal blinked. "Ummm... no, I don't think so..." "Well, then, are you here for a tour? 20,000 yen and we provide an audiocassette." She produced a small SDAT player from under the desk. Arsenal's eyebrows raised. "Um... sure, that sounds like a good idea." He handed over the money and received the SDAT player. The receptionist pointed at the play button. "Now, this button... oh, you know how to use one of these, don't you? Enjoy yourself!" She smiled and waved goodbye. "Um, sure! Goodbye," said Arsenal, as he began hurriedly shuffling around the desk towards the elevator. he thought. -- Gendou and Ritsuko were watching the footage of previous EVA battles, eventually reaching the one featuring the destruction of EVA-00. "EVA-00. A mysterious being," said Ritsuko. "Also very finicky, possibly due to the fact that my mother's soul is trapped inside." "Yes, it is very mysterious - the EVA with no soul," said Gendou, who then blinked.. "Hey, wait a second, it doesn't have the soul of--" Maya walked into the viewing room from the door in the rear. "Ahh, EVA-00. The mysterious EVA with the soul of an Angel that only Rei can synchronize with." Gendou sighed. "Look, I oversaw the project, it has no bloody soul!" "But it has a CORE!" screamed Ritsuko. "My mother went into it when she died! It's blatant!" "Now, I don't mean to interrupt, but its berserker attacks must be due to the fact that it's just a pure Angel!" "Why the hell are you thinking these things?" asked Gendou. "Look, I've been here since the beginning, and it's just an Adam clone without his soul! Adam's stuck in that gay kid SEELE had!" "That gay kid? What are you talking about?" asked Maya. "He wasn't gay, he loved Shinji as a friend!" -- "Welcome to SEELE," droned the audiocassette. "This is the secret underground organization overseeing the evolution of humanity to a new level. Recently, it has changed its focus to simply conquering the world under the tyrannical fist of Keel Lorentz, its longtime director. He had the time to share his ambitious and intelligently planned vision with us: 'HIDEY HO, PARDNERS! I'M GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' Thank you, Mr. Lorentz!" Arsenal sighed as he went up in the clear plexiglass elevator. he thought. At about that point, everything began flashing red. Arsenal unhooked his rocket launchers. He hid behind the wall of the elevator next to the door and listened silently when it stopped and the door opened. After about two minutes, he heard a voice. "Dammit! Another tourist alert! I need to let those bastards through, why are they hiding in the elevator? HEY! Get over here!" Arsenal blinked and walked out. "Uh, sorry, I was kinda worried about the red alarm and all." The guard grinned. "Don't worry about that. Lemme let you through to the secret area for the tours." The guard walked over to a large titanium door as the tape began again in Arsenal's ear: "You should have reached the fiftieth floor by now. The helpful security guard will let you into wherever you need to go on this tour. To the left and right are simply office halls, ahead you will find the SECRET SEELE LABORATORIES and the limited-access elevator to SEELE's meeting room." The security guard placed the keycard in a slot near the door. A light flashed green, and the door opened automatically. "Uh, thanks," said Arsenal. "No problem," said the guard. "Come back soon!" -- The door slammed shut behind Arsenal, who was looking ahead into a long, dimly lit corridor filled with rather freakish and evil-looking devices on both sides. thought Arsenal, before... "And to the right, we have our genetic engineering machines where we created," he thought, as he took off the SDAT player, threw it in the air, drew out a small and futuristic-looking pistol, waited until the SDAT player was at barrel level, shot the trigger, and proceeded to blow it to smithereens. He took the rocket launchers and once again tied them in a cross-pattern on his back. -- "I never thought I'd be so happy to see..." Misato began, before she started coughing rabidly due to the large cloud of diesel exhaust that had just been thrust into her face. "A big, ugly, smelly highway," she finished. "So, what now?" asked Asuka. "Are we gonna hitchhike?" "Actually, we should be back in range now," said Shinji. He produced his cellular phone. "I can just call HQ and see if we can get a car down here to pick us up or something." Misato grinned. "Good plan, Shinji-kun! Let's do it!" "Okay..." he dialed a number on the phone. -- Arsenal readied a pistol in each hand and began running down the hall, destroying things on both sides. He went through relatively unharmed, except for one rather annoying piece of shrapnel that stuck itself in his back as he shot the door open on what seemed to be some kind of cryogenic sleeping machine. This cavalcade of destruction continued until he reached the end of the corridor, where he found a rather ordinary-looking elevator with the seven-eyed face of God etched into the doors. he thought, as he pressed the button with the up arrow on it. Two seconds later, the doors opened. He went up. -- "When's the moron going to get back?" asked SEELE-04. He stood up from his chair and yawned, stretching his arms out towards the sky. "How long could it take to kidnap a bunch of kids in a forest? This is ridiculous." "Agreed," said SEELE-07. "This is incredibly annoying. Let's just leave..." "Um, guys?" asked SEELE-12. "I'm not sure that would be such a good idea right now." "Why?" asked SEELE-04. "Well, check the security cameras..." the members of SEELE walked over to a wall filled with monitors, one of which was containing a grainy black & white video of Arsenal whistling and leaning in the corner of the elevator to the meeting room. Five seconds later, they heard a groaning sound as the elevator doors opened and the soldier stepped through. "Okay, now where the hell is the old man?" Arsenal asked. He was standing in a rather intimidating fashion with his legs spread apart and his hands crossed below his chest. "Well, he should be returning soon," said SEELE-08. "Could you please kill him or something? I don't know what happened, but these days he's a total..." Their conversation was interrupted with the sound of breaking glass as Keel smashed through the large glass window in his wheelchair-helicopter. He pressed a button and gently landed at his usual seat at the head of the table. 'hidey HO! hey it's ARSENAL my favorite MAN OF ACTION! BUDDY LEE TOUGH, bitch! so r u enjoying my little world? no more secrets!!! all this crap about hiding the truth is going to END!!!! don't you find that secrets just make the world too damn vague???? well FUUCCKK THAT!!' Arsenal blinked. "Keel, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. There can't be one truth." SEELE-07 apparently agreed. "That's a proven fact of philosophy. Think about it. Here, call up Gendou Ikari on your camera right now." Keel grinned demonically. 'you FOOOOOEWL! you are RONG! i shall show you that my WORLD IS PERFECT!!!!' He pressed a button on the table, showing a conversation currently occurring: -- "You IDIOT!" screamed Maya. "Don't you realize our entire lives and all these incidents are just what's been predicted in the Book of Revelations? Think about it! The Angels come down and..." Gendou sighed. "No, you're both wrong. The Angels are just a code name given to the other species that evolved into one life form, like we will do soon." "Well, then why is all this predicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls?" asked Ritsuko. "I mean, those are really just the documents that became..." "DAMMIT! It's all just cool codenames!" screamed Gendou. "Which reminds me," asked Maya, "Who is the Second Angel, Gendou? There isn't one, is there?" Gendou sighed. "Look, the Second Angel was Lillith." Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Gendou, you know full well that the Second Angel was the thing with the gigantic tentacles during Second Impact." "Those were WINGS!" screamed Maya. She pouted and slammed her foot on the ground. "Listen, will you two lesbian lovers SHUT UP?" asked Gendou. Ritsuko grabbed Gendou by the cuff of his shirt. "WE'RE NOT LESBIAN LOVERS!" Maya looked downcast. "Actually..." Ritsuko turned around. "No, Maya! You only love me as a tutor and programmer!" "But--" -- Keel sighed. 'OK so that's WRONG! now let's look at SHINJI AND MISATO!!!! they must agree!!!' -- "I tell you, Shinji, Kaworu wanted to die," said Misato. "But Misato, that's impossible. I should have died... he loved me," sighed Shinji. "Shinji, shut up about that gay idiot! He gave me the creeps, anyway..." snorted Asuka. "Kaworu was my friend, and he wasn't gay! He just cared about me!" Misato sighed. "Shinji-kun... he was the soul of Adam." Shinji blinked. "Um, Misato, you yourself said he was the Seventeenth Angel..." -- Keel blinked and screamed. 'NOOOOO It's gone all WRONGNNNG! ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!!!!' He pressed a large red button, and suddenly the glass window behind him rebuilt itself. The people of Tokyo-3 also noticed that the SEELE building began smoking a bit at its base, and then giving off a small bit of fire, and then it suddenly took off in the general direction of the moon. In short, the SEELE headquarters shot off of the face of the Earth. Keel grinned and cackled insanely. 'i have a FOOLPROOF PLAN! i shall CHANGE BACK THE EARTH while SAVING MY HQ!!!! now, NUMBER SIXX! put SENOR ARSE-NULL in the DEATH TRAP ROOOM!' He laughed maniacally as the building visibly exited the Earth's atmosphere behind him. "Of course, of course!" said SEELE-06 enthusiastically. "Just this way, Mr.... Mr...." "Aid... I mean... Arsenal." "Um... yeah. Mr. Arsenal. Please, come with me!" He patted Arsenal on the back and brought him to a circular door in the wall. "Mr. Arsenal, please, for the sake of God, come back alive," he whispered into Arsenal's ear. "Keel's gone... he's gone a tad bit out of his mind lately, and we can't kill him, and he somewhat holds us hostage. All I can say is that you have our utmost support in your attempts to stop this incredible stupidity." Arsenal grinned. "Nice to see that I've got some friends on your side..." he whispered. "Okay, I'm off," he said in a louder voice. "Have fun, you crazy kids!" He walked into the escape pod, leaned back, and began whistling as the escape pod flew off the side of the building towards the Earth. he thought. -- 'so WHERE IS HE???' screamed Keel has he slammed his fist on the table. 'did you KEEEEL HIM???' "Yes, I've placed him in the alligator death-trap," said SEELE-06. "He'll never get out alive!" Keel grined. 'eeexxxcelllllent.' He steepled his fingers in a triangle, and grinned ominously. 'how looong until the WORLD REVERTS?????' "Approximately fifteen seconds," said SEELE-05. "The world will continue as it is now, but people will forget any possible revelations that they may have learned as a result of your... experiment." Keel grinned even wider. 'very very very very very very GOOD!!!!!' -- Arsenal hobbled out of the crashed spacecraft. "God *damn*. God DAMN! I feel like SHIT!" he screamed. He walked forward two steps, barely able to make out the shape of a large white building ahead of him. "Where the hell AM I? I think I'm gonna..." He passed out. -- "What kind of condition was he in?" asked Misato. "Where did you find him?" The nurse sighed. "Well, he had passed out, luckily enough, right beside our hospital. He was pretty beat up, and not just from reentry... he also has a pretty bad cut on his back. Look here." Misato looked into the pale blue light that illuminated the X-ray transparencies being pinned to the wall. "My God... that's a nasty shrapnel wound." "Yes, it was. What was even more bizarre was the shrapnel itself. Do you have any idea as to what it could mean?" Suddenly, an announcement came over the PA system. "Patient 4942 has regained consciousness. We repeat, patient 4942 has regained consciousness." The nurse grinned. "That's us. Let me show it to you all together..." The nurse and Misato walked out the X-ray examination room and into the hallway. -- Arsenal awoke to the hard, cold stare of a halogen light. "What an unfamiliar ceiling," he said. "At the rate you're going, it won't be for long, Mr. Arsenal," said the nurse sitting in the chair beside him. "Now, I have a question for you." "Christ, and I just woke up... what?" Arsenal rubbed his hand across his eyes and sat up. "Well, do you know what this is? We found it embedded into your back." Arsenal sighed. "That sounds good. Lemme look..." he took the metal shard from her hand and examined the writing on it. "Ryogenic Chambe 4C1... Cryogenic Chamber 401? And, um, it has a name... hey, who the hell is this guy?" Misato took the plate from him and looked at it. "No... it can't be... no, wait, I misread it. Who the fuck is *Koji*?" -- Mountains. Nice, rocky mountains. A field. A large, green field. This is what Billy Bob saw every day in his quaint cow pasture in the Midwest of America. This was, of course, until the big ball of metal fell from the sky and decided to make a big crater in it instead. Billy Bob wasn't very happy about this, so he grabbed a shotgun and decided to create his unwelcome visitor's destiny. he told himself. He readied his shotgun and slowly began walking into the crater. In the middle of the crater was a roundish and somewhat scorched metal pod, surrounded with the torched bodies and skeletons of bovines. he thought. He ran screaming towards the small circular port of a door on the pod, about to blow a hole in its window, when he heard a voice from inside: "Um, hello, could you please stop pointing the gun at me? I have things to do today, such as defeating megalomaniacal evil maniacs, and getting my head blown off by a sawed-off wasn't exactly on that list." Billy Bob blinked. "Who the hell do you be?" "My name is... Koji." -- THE END