Untitled Evangelion Epic Genesis 1:1 ANGEL FOOL'S DAY / "And he knew it was all fucked-up..." All characters in this fanfiction are copyright Gainax, Project Eva, etc. Except for Arsenal, who is (c) 1999 Rockenbear Productions. Author's Note: Ha, ha, ha, ha, HA, y'all. Please email all C&C to uzumerid@technobastards.net. Thanks. ----- The swords clashed. Sparks flew and sirens roared in the desperate red sky of Tokyo-3 as EVA-01 and EVA-02 danced the deadly dance. Sections of city crumbled and gigantic masses of concrete were destroyed all to serve the selfish argument of two children having a bit of a quarrel. Or, should I say, two Children. Shinji Ikari, depressionist extraordinaire, did a double backflip in the air over the metallic red beast, once again performing his well-honed ballet of death. "It's not my..." "You pervert! Anta-baka! You attempted to have mad, passionate sex with me last night!" "But..." "NO! I'm not listening to another word you say!" "Isn't it kind of selfish for you to attack me like this?" Asuka's blade once again met with Shinji's, creating a fiery display that could have destroyed the moon and lit up the sun. An entire city stood in her wake. "Mein gott im himmel! You and your damned 'selflessness'! Grow a spine, for God's sake!" Asuka performed a rather impressive jump, silhouetting against the moon as she prepared to strike a final blow. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA-" -- The halogen lighting met Shinji's awakening with a cold smile. "How are you doing?" it seemed to say. "What got you all fucked-up this time? Black out and go into a rage? A laser beam go ten feet into your chest? Get your legs cut out from under you? Dream about your mother's cool embrace, her loving-" "Shut the fuck up," Shinji said seemingly to no one in particular. "What was that?" said a familiar cold voice beside him. Shinji turned with a start. It took him a while to adjust his vision, but focusing his eyes just made him more confused. It certainly couldn't be Gendou Ikari, master mastermind, ultimate bastard of the universe, king of the hated assholes, who sat beside him waiting? He had, of course, brought a desk, and had steepled his fingers in the usual triangle. He was staring at Shinji with - well, Shinji couldn't really see if he was staring at him at all, but the red glasses he was wearing under that fixed mask of fingers seemed to give him that impression. "Fa... father?" Gendou stood up. "Hello, Shinji. NERV would like to immediately apologize for our mistake in not keeping you under complete protection." "Wha-" "If we had a bodyguard for you, or something to ensure that your life was not in danger, this... unfortunate accident... would not have occurred. As such, we have decided that you will be placed under 24-hour protection." He snapped his fingers. "ARSENAL!" At that point, Shinji's new best friend walked into the room. He looked to be about twenty-five, assuming you could even tell behind all his weaponry. Shinji estimated he must be wearing about ten belts full of bullets, two AK-47s, two Rugar Redhawks, two belts of throwing knives around his waist, and practically a metric ton of combat armor. "Yes, Mr. Ikari?" "Protect this boy at all costs. If anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, threatens his life, they must be instantly eliminated as long as they are not a fellow EVA pilot. In other words, use stun settings on Asuka Sohryuu-Langley. Have a nice day." Thus, Gendou Ikari left the room and caused a 15-minute silence, at which point Shinji attempted: "Uh... hi?" "Hello." Fifteen more minutes passed. "Is Arsenal... your real name?" "Legally, it's my last one, so yeah." Fifteen more minutes passed. "So, um... how's your day been?" "I'm a professional asskicker. I've been under highly specialized missions upon which the future of humankind depended. I've destroyed a nuclear weapons installation before all the weapons could be launched at once. I've walked into the royal palace of a scheming Middle-Eastern dictator and cleaned out 150 people in five minutes. I'm widely considered the most powerful human being on the planet today, and I've done countless heroic acts all in the name of freedom and liberty. And then I get assigned to protect some fourteen-year-old kid who can move a gigantic metal toy. How would YOUR day be?" Silence followed until Shinji slept, and had a dream... -- ***Background music: 'Answers Come In Dreams,' New Logic Theory*** "Hello, Shinji." "Who are you?" "I am the Shinji inside your mind. There is also a Shinji inside the minds of..." "Cut the crap, what's this dream for?" "I must warn you. Your entire world is in grave danger." "What do you mean?" "A dimensional wormhole has opened into the Universe of Lameness. It is of great concern to..." "Hey, if you're me, how do you know this?" "Oh, fine, I'm really just Keel Lorentz with a really nifty brainwave-thingy device. Like it?" "Who the hell is..." "That's not important. But these counterparts of ours that come from another universe are so incredibly single-minded that they could destroy my plan of the mental unity of all humanity in one fell swoop." "Your WHAT?" "Oh, don't worry about it, it's just a little thing. Change in the mental barriers and all. But I must warn you that very soon... you may discover alternate personalities inside your mind, and they may not seem like how you would be. Seek help quickly." "But why me?" "Because, Shinji, you're the only one who can..." -- In another world... a world called the World of Lameness by some, but just the world to its denizens... a world that was a twisted and macabre vision of our own world, a world where humanity lived long past the twilight years of its wonders, a world devoid of dignity and honor... In another world, Shinji and Keel spoke. 'shinji its meeee!!!!! wasssupppppp??????' 'who are u?' 'im the SHINJI INSUDE UR MIND!!!!! theres also a shinji inside the minds offff.....' 'i dont wanna listen to your fuckin shit, what this dream for?' 'our world is in GRAVE DANGER' 'what you talkin about f00?' 'theres been a WORMHOLE into the COOL WORLD!!!!!! U MUST DESTROY IT!!!!!' 'hey muthafucka if you are me how the fuck do you know this shit?' 'ok so i am really KEEEL L00RENTS and i have a BRAINWAVEDREAMTRANSMISSIONDEVICE!!!!!!' 'who in the god damn nine hells is...' 'do not worry!!!! just Destroy the OTHERWORLDLY PEOPLE!!!! my plan must go forward!!!' 'what the fuck you talking about?' 'IM GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! muahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! but for this to happen there must be a world worth Conquering!! so save us!' 'why the fuck do i get this shit?' 'CUZ ONLY U CAN' -- And then, two minds met. shinji woke up next to arsenal the guy with the really big / Arsenal, his new protector. Shinji felt a little uneasy, since Arsenal snored rather loudly and / was really fucking annoying so shinji got up and kicked his ass / "Uh, should we be going now? / arsenal got up and said 'wow shinji you are so cool you can fight me / "Yeah, time to go." "Uh, what's going on?" pondered Shinji. -- 'what the HELL is happening' wondered shinji -- Shinji walked out the door and thought / 'wow i hope i can have sex with asuka today she's so fine and / I hope she really doesn't beat me up too badly today, although she is rather / fucking hot so i wanna lick her / pussy... yeah, Ritsuko was pretty angry about her cat dying the other day, poor little... / god damn it i cant think straight / ARRRRRGH!" -- Shinji lay on his bed at home, once again performing his SDAT ritual. He was pondering his day so far. He woke up, saw his father, met a walking combat machine, went to sleep, was told about a dimensional shift, woke up, and then had a serious case of dual minds. And now he was lying on his bed next to some guy. What was going on? Maybe it really was that dimensional shift that Keel guy mentioned... although that seemed a bit unlikely. What -was- going on? -- Arsenal lay in bed, next to Shinji. He was having a harder time getting comfortable, mainly due to the fact that he had throwing knives pointing into his side. On top of that, he was having similar feelings of duality - like there was another him, a him that simply bowed to everything Shinji wanted... a him that felt cold, alien, and unreal... -- arsenal was laid in bed 'damn shinji rocks' -- Shinji got up and turned off his SDAT player. He walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hey, Touji? I'm having this really weird day here..." "You too? It's like there's two of me, and one of them's having sex with Hikari. It's really pissing me off." "Yeah, and mine is constantly in threesomes with Asuka and Rei. But they speak really oddly... like there's some kind of different grammar in their minds." "Agreed. Hey, man, you wanna go down to the mall? I'm feeling like I'm going insane, and I need to get my mind off this." "Sounds like a plan to me. Let's go. Oh, yeah, you'll meet my new friend, won't you..." "Your what?" "Oh, you'll see... Kensuke would love this, though... I think I'll give him a ring..." -- Shinji was in a department store, and Arsenal was standing outside watching him. That's when Kensuke arrived... and had an orgasm. Well, not technically, but most bystanders wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. "OH MY GOD! Are you... are you really..." "Yes," said the walking battle tank. "You're... you're the famous..." "Listen, if you don't stop drooling over me I'm going to count that as harm to Shinji. You're frightening me." "Uh... yeah..." Arsenal walked out of the pool o' drool on the floor. -- kensuke said 'man u are so cool' arsenal said 'yeah i rock' -- Touji banged his head against the wall. Repeatedly. He was doing this because he was currently using the bathroom, and he knew, he felt, somewhere else, right now, that he was sitting on the can receiving oral satisfaction from Hikari. "GOD DAMN ME! I CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE CAN WITHOUT THIS KIND OF TORMENT!" "Could you keep it down over there?" said a mysterious voice from the next stall over. "Uh, what?" "Could you keep it DOWN? You're banging against something and screaming and you're scaring the living hell out of me." "Uh. Yeah. You sound pretty angry." "I've had a bad day. I get assigned to protect some fourteen-year-old kid and then some friend of his starts drooling over me. I think he's in love with me." "Ack, a gay stalker?" "No, I don't think he's gay, is the thing. He's not in love with me, he's in love with my equipment." "Uhhhh..." "You know, my package. Like the big gun in my pants here." "Uhhhhhhh, isn't that..." "No, literally. My guns. My pistols." "On second thought, isn't that deathly illegal?" "Not for me." Touji zipped up and walked out. -- Shinji sighed. Surprisingly enough, Arsenal left him for a few minutes to take a little trip to the potty, so maybe there was hope for some time alone... Yeah, right. Then he saw Kensuke, huffing and panting with a camcorder in one hand. "Hey, what's up?" "Man, I just saw this really cool guy! He was all dressed up in gunbelts and combat armor and weaponry and everything! I just got my camcorder - I have to get tapes of this guy!" "Um, Kensuke, that's..." "Gotta run! See ya!" Shinji sighed. He never wanted it to get this complicated. -- Touji walked out of the bathroom. "Hey, Shinji. Sorry, I'm just feeling very horny, er, not right. I need to go home and satisfy myself, I mean, I need to go home and, uh, take a tylenol! That's it. Right. Tylenol! Bye!" Shinji raised an eyebrow. "Sure, man, whatever works for you..." Touji began walking out of the mall, with nothing on his mind but lust, jealousy, and a quiet determination. -- Arsenal heard the camcorder tape moving before he heard Kensuke's footsteps. Quiet kid. The warrior finished his business, zipped up, and turned around. "For Christ's sake, can't I take a god-damned piss without you following me?" "But you must be caught on film! You're so... so... so SUGOI! You're so COOL!" Kensuke enthused as he waved his arms madly. "Where I come from, they have a word for this." "Oh, what's that?" "Stalking." At this point, by sheer coincidence, Kensuke's father walked in, unnoticed. "But look at you! Your hard body! Your carefully toned muscles! Your gigantic gun! I need you BADLY!" Kensuke's father had a heart attack. "MY BOY! What did I tell you about propositioning men in public bathrooms with a videocamera?" "Sorry, dad..." -- Arsenal walked out of the bathroom. "Interesting friends you have. Shall we go?" "Sure, I guess, why?" asked Shinji. "Well, I'm just feeling a bit uncomfortable around here..." -- Shinji walked home and / kissed near the building with asuka and / walked in and took a can of / booze / out of the fridge... the refreshing one-calorie / beer / and then walked to his room and turned on the / tv mtv came on and he started grooving to the tunez of / Beethoven... the quiet music always soothed him as he / jumped around and took off his shirt and started rapping the chorus of / the Fifth Symphony... what a fantastic / tune that made him really horny and want to / lie down in bed and just think... always the same track... always / jumping on the table and rapping constantly to beethoven's / 'Triumph'... wait... that wasn't the / song... why is beethoven's fifth on the / SDAT player? It made no sense, he never bought a Wu-Tang / channel... no.... arrrrgh / ARGH! -- Touji sat on the can. His otherworldly self, in its incredible drive for pleasure, was causing him to do things he'd never even considered doing before. Alter-Touji was, however, rather stupefied and somewhat impressed at the true Touji's incredibly creative mind. The floor was cluttered with various instruments of pleasure. Two jars of Vaseline, one fake sculpted vagina, three cans of whipped cream, ten issues of Penthouse, five issues of Hustler, three EVA-brand condoms, and five of his father's old porno movies. He was currently using a masterful combination of a Hoover vacuum and a blowdryer. If sold on the mass market the concept could be worth millions. "Does nothing... NOTHING... make it happen? God damn it! This is it! This is the last straw! I'll just have to call her!" He walked into the next room and picked up the phone. He knew, somehow, that nothing could truly satisfy the evil id lurking inside his brain but the real thing. -- Meanwhile, Hikari Horaki and Asuka Sohryuu-Langley were in Hikari's bedroom. They were talking, confiding in each other as adolescent girls sometimes, or usually, do. Hikari giggled. "Well, I do like Touji, a bit..." Asuka snorted. "How could you like that dummkopf? He's one of the three stooges! A moron! A pervert! I bet he'd just BEG to see you..." The phone rang. "Let me get it!" said Hikari. "Hi, Hikari." "TOUJI?" she screamed. Asuka stared. "WHAT?" "Oh, nothing, nothing!" said Hikari. She began whispering. "Touji, Asuka's here! She still thinks I'm an idiot for..." "Hikari, please, I need you BAD." "What?" "I need you. Here. NOW. Please. For my own sanity." "What are you TALKING about?" "PLEEEEEEEEASE give me a blowjob! A handjob! Sex! ANYTHING!" "WHAT?" "Listen, I'll pay you! I'll go absolutely crazy if I don't have your hot bod right now!" "HEEEEEEEENNNNTAAAAAAIIIIIIII!" Hikari hung up the phone. -- "Well, that didn't work." -- Arsenal was in Shinji's room. Outside of Shinji's room was Kensuke, currently holding himself to to the wall by suction cups on his hands, feet, and torso. He moved a bit to the right, giving his head more freedom to see inside. "Damn, look at those GUNS!" He was, of course, holding a camcorder. At about this point, Arsenal heard some muttering outside the window. -- "Oh, God DAMN it, it's that kid again." Arsenal got up and opened the window. Kensuke suddenly felt that very deadly sensation that can only be described in two words: "Oh, shit." "Alright... I've had enough of this shit." Arsenal held up a rather menacing-looking weapon. "Do you know what this is?" "Um... yes... sir... North Central Ballistics Heavy Plasma Rifle, model 41, code-named the Firehawk. Very popular among heavily-equipped combat marines since the Second Impact." Arsenal blinked. "Um, alright, then. Now, do you know what I could do? I could rip you off that god-damned wall, stick this big, hard gun straight up your ass, and shoot hot lead until you're begging for help." Misato, in the next room, facefaulted. "I *could* do that. Do you understand me?" "Yes, SIR!" -- Kaworu Nagisa, Tabris, the Seventeenth Angel, the fusion of man and Adam, was sitting in Keel's office sipping coffee. "So, Mr. Lorentz, are you saying that this... duality syndrome... may be affecting me shortly?" "Well, Kaworu... yes. And I'm not very sure if you'll be happy with the results that your otherworldly incarnation will bear." "Well, I'll just have to find out soon enough. You are my creators, and I would like to thank you for... warning me ahead of time." "No problem, Kaworu." -- At that moment, the sirens sounded. All over Tokyo-3, the extremely obnoxious whining sound that signified the approach of impending doom rushed the populace to their shelters. Gigantic masses of people ran from a menace they couldn't even see. As a matter of fact, it was completely invisible to any human. A secret to everybody! One could even say that it was a... PHANTOM MENACE. Or at least, that's what Gendou called it, much to the amusement of his culturally-enriched underlings. "Now, I understand that this... phantom menace... has been in our systems for approximately twelve hours, correct?" Fuyutsuki snickered. "Yes, we believe that to be truth," said Maya. "And from what I understand, this Angel is manifesting itself only in the form of a small dimensional portal between worlds?" "Yes." "And that to close this dimensional portal and defeat this Angel we will all have to join ourselves in a powerful rite which will defeat the Angel by taking its submolecular chemistry ratio from .38 to .27 and therefore creating a powerful explosion which will destroy the entirety of NERV headquarters?" Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Well, although that would work, I have a somewhat more... efficient... solution. The Angel *is* the dimensional portal, correct? So therefore, I propose placing everybody affected by the dimensional portal into one room, therefore concentrating the Angel so that it could be destroyed by an AT Field disruptor - namely, the Lance of Longinus." "What do the MAGI have to say about this?" "Well, um... take a look for yourself." The MAGI's current display opened up on main visual. It was simply one line, being repeated over and over and over and over and over, in red on a black background: "GET FOOD ESCAPE indidan in the cupboard that's why i made you suck on my RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE" "We think that it may have been a bit... skewed... by the dimensional transport." Gendou raised an eyebrow. "Erm... I see. So, I propose this: While we engage in these clone wars with our own otherworldly selves, Rei can be a new hope to all of us by destroying the Angel's AT Field with the Lange of Longinus. Hopefully, this should continue, and unless the Angel empire strikes back, we could pretty much consider this a victory for us." Fuyutsuki was having convulsions. "What's so funny?" asked Gendou. "Oh... um... nothing, Commander Ikari." "Good. Now, then, how can we open this... dimensional barrier?" "Well, we have identified a certain number of people who have been... affected... by this portal. If we can gather them all in one room, the concentration of all of us together should strengthen the portal enough so that we can battle ourselves while Rei activates the Lance. Is that satisfactory?" explained Ritsuko. "Yes, that should work," replied Gendou. "Notify those who have been changed in two hours. The project will begin at 0400. Dismissed." -- karou walked down the halls 'hey man whats up?' SEELE-04 sighed. "It's happened, hasn't it?" 'what happened man?' said Karou. 'im feeling just fine, just a bit.... queasy...' "Oh, dear God. It's worse than I thought. KAWORU! WAKE UP!" 'man, who the fuck is kaworu? i'm KAROU! the badass mofo of the high seas! (hic)' "KEEL! He's drunk off his ass!" 'keel can suck my big fat cock. i'm off PIMPIN. I'll see you b00gz LATAH.' -- At that point, Shinji Ikari, Touji Suzuhara, Kensuke Aide, Arsenal, Rei Ayanami, and Kaworu Nagisa were all informed that the solution to all their problems lay at NERV headquarters. Unfortunately, some of them had rather misguided ideas of what a solution to their problems might mean... -- Shinji walked down the street with Arsenal, his designated protector, who had to be with him at all times. And, of course, Arsenal walked down the street with his absolute admirer Kensuke Aida, who had to be with him with all times. For Shinji, the solution to his problems signified that the other voice in his head might go away. He was closest to the truth. For Arsenal, the solution to his problems meant that this annoying little bastard of a kid was going to stop following him. And for Kensuke, the solution to his problems meant that he would gain the admiration of Arsenal. Yeah, right. -- Karou Nagisa didn't have any problems, but he decided to go anyway. 'i wonder what those gangsta snatches want with me?' he wondered. 'those mofos better be worth my time, or i'll have to show them the true power of the at field. keel.. that motherfuckin son of a bitch can suck it. stay at seele my ass i'm off to see the world! the motherfuckin' WORLD! although i feel... like this is somewhat... familiar...' karou shrugged off the feeling 'fuck this i'm going' -- Touji, of course, misinterpreted the solution to his problems the most. He showed up at NERV headquarters, alright. In nothing but boxers and a condom. "I'm ready, baby, bring it ON!" he screamed. "If you're gonna solve my problems all you had better SOLVE my PROBLEMS!" He then gave a rather distinct pelvic thrust. Ritsuko and Maya facefaulted. -- Rei didn't really know what problems were, but she showed up anyway since Commander Ikari signed the letter. However, when she arrived, the sight of Shinji made her feel / really horny but loving and she needed to protect him 'shinji i love you' cried rei and she ran over and hugged him "Rei, are you, um, all right?" stammered Shinji. His face was red. 'shinji i love you and nothing could ever separate us' "Rei?" asked Gendou. "These people will just stand near each other. We require you to use the Lance of Longinus." 'no never' said Rei 'i could never let you separate me and my beloved shinji' "Rei, it's for five minutes. Get in the EVA, pick up the stupid spear, and just move it in here." 'no NEVER you heartless bastard i love shinji forever and we will love each other no matter what you say' "Rei, for Christ's sake, shut up. Just pick up the stupid spear and do it. I'm not trying to separate you." Shinji sighed. "For Christ's sake, I'll do it if I have to." "Thank you, Shinji," said Gendou. "Alright. Ritsuko! MAGNIFY THE FIELD! Let the duel of the fates begin!" Fuyutsuki fell on the floor laughing. -- A few minutes later... Shinji was in the / eva he was feeling really great holding the / Lance of Longinus... but this was going to be hard, he couldn't / keep his pants on after all that mad sex with / Gendou... Gendou wanted him to point his Lance right into / rei's hot wet snatch which made shinji even hornier and suddenly he started screaming "oh god i'm / absolutely confused and bored out of my mind." Touji was waiting, he really needed his / hikari to go away... he was so sick of shopping with her for / porn magazines... yeah... maybe if he used more porn magazines he'd be able to / put the CD on the counter 'how much does this cost i'm bored and my girlfriends shopping' 'ha ha' said the / really ominous logo on the side... damn... he needed satisfaction. If only he could / scream in terror as he realized how many more stores were left 'damn i hate dating' Gendou sat and thought. "Yes... if only Yui could be here to see / this shinji my loving son i love him so much i know i'm hard on him but it's all for yui... i'll never love another women like i loved / Ritsuko has a nice ass. He may have been a lecherous bastard, but Gendou / loved his own offspring like nothing else in the world... he only wished he could truly convey his absolute / indifference for anybody but himself. Arsenal sat and thought about / how cool it was to have a great guy like kensuke / annoying the living hell out of him day after day. If only the little bastard would / love him... yes... he really loved the little tyke like a son maybe he'd / beat the shit out of him one day. Kensuke / sat / and / thought / damn / Arsenal / kicks / ass. -- "All right, Shinji, push it on in!" said Gendou. -- Shinji pushed it into the room of / rei. rei screamed 'shinji i love you more than / that metal wall over there. Yes, he'd have to push it through those two holes and destroy the AT / condom that he was putting on.. yes... for protection as good as / Gendou screamed, and Shinji pushed it in. The duality problem went away, and everybody was back to normal. Except for a few exceptions, many of them highly problematic, such as the following... -- The room of SEELE was blackened. The thirteen massive monoliths could be witnessed in their ritual circle, once again discussing the Dead Sea Scrolls. "So, everything has been reverted to its normal state?" asked SEELE-04. "Yes," said SEELE-07. "Kaworu has stopped his bizarre episode with drunkenness, thank God." "Excellent," said SEELE-13. "You've been rather quiet, Keel. Is anything on your mind?" There was a pause before the answer came. 'you people are lame!!' said keel 'im gonna start working without you b00gz in my plan for world domination!!!! i will DISCOVER DESTINY!!!!!!!!' TO BE CONTINUED... -- End of Part One Please email C&C to uzumerid@technobastards.net. Any comments appreciated. Thanks. -David Uzumeri